I'm so looking forward to the silence that is so loud in that place. I can't wait to sleep on the really comfortable beds in the cottage we get to stay in. My friends parents were so kind to invite me to spend Christmas with them. That was really nice, and I'm really grateful, although it still feels weird not spending Christmas with my family.
This year I haven't got the Christmas feeling at all. I've put up some twinkly lights in my house, but that's about all the Christmas I've got. I just didn't feel like making an effort. What's the use if you're alone anyway. My dog sure as hell doesn't give a damn whether there is a tree, and to be honest, having a Christmas tree would probably only depress me at this moment.
I used to love Christmas. Christmas used to be fun. Well, not really, but the idea of Christmas used to be fun. My best Christmas I ever had was the one where I spent it with my ex-boyfriend and my dog. Just the three of us, few presents, a lovely meal and some genuine alone time (if ya know what I mean;)) was the best. And last year when I spent it with my friends in Switserland was awesome too. But however nice that is, it kinda feels a little bit weird anyways. To me, Christmas always feels like it should be about family and friends. But mostly family. Although I hate the standard family gatherings, there's something about the Christmas idea, that makes me feel sad about not having one big happy family and spending some time together..
But I guess most people feel crap around Christmas, specially old people, who are alone in their homes. No one visiting, no joy and happiness. Even families that pretend aren't happy. Most people hate the family come together. They feel obliged to be happy and merry around their kin. And I get that. Because most families aren't all that close at all. But despite the heavy dislikes, they go through with it nonetheless. Why? Why would you put yourself through that hassle and annoyment year after year?
I think I know why. Because even though you might strongly dislike the obliged family meals, the present giving etc. you would probably feel much more crap if you'd stay at home. The funny thing is, we want our Christmas to be perfect, no matter what we say and no matter how much we complain about the musts.. And the ideal picture of Christmas in our head is not the same without family.
I have a suggestion. Why not try to really make it a nice family Christmas this year. Genuinely put differences aside. The more clichés you use, but when I say that I mean really use, the better. Feck not having snow on Christmas. Feck having to eat turkey AGAIN! Try and love the people in your life even more this year. Because honestly, it's not that bad. There are so many lonely people out there. Specially during Christmas. There are so many orphan children who would give everything to have one of your crappy, obliged family get togethers. You have no idea. What about people in war zones. Even Muslims who do not celebrate Christmas get the idea. In fact, those irritating and annoying family members are people who you probably mean a whole lot to. And vice versa. It will never be completely without struggles, because you don't get to choose your family. And for some people, all the above does not really count either. Because they just can't make it work, no matter how hard they try. But you know, Christmas is what you choose to make of it. If this whole family thing just isn't it for you, or you just about had enough, try something else. Spend Christmas with your partner alone, make it worth while. Or her together with some friends and throw a party or just share a nice dinner and evening. And let's all think about the people who aren't so lucky. Who unfortunately will be sitting alone on Christmas Eve. AGAIN. Watching other people be happy. Or act happy, whichever you choose. I feel for them, because I happen to know exactly how it feels to be lonely at Christmas. And not just at Christmas anyways. It sucks, BIGTIME. I even know how it feels to feel lonely at Christmas even when you're surrounded by people. Because that can be even worse. But don't give up. There's still some light:)
I sure know that I will be dealing with this Christmas in my own way, and I'm fine with it. I'll walk my doggy along the beach and breathe in the salty air. Even when it rains I'll enjoy the silent falling of the drops touching the water and the sand. And I'll be smiling. Maybe with a tear in my eye every now and then, but that doesn't matter. Because if you've never had lows, you won't recognize the highs. And I happen to be grateful for everything I have. Because despite all the things I might not have, There is so much more that I do have. And that makes me happy. It makes me smile, even with tears in my eyes. It makes me want to love my future partner even more, and makes me enjoy the wiggling of my dogs tail more than I ever have.
So this year during Christmas, I want to be thankful, not unhappy and ungrateful. Not jealous and sad. No. This year I'm gona walk with my head held high and filled with all the good thoughts I will make the most of it.
Because I haven't gone to church once this advent, it feels to me as if Christmas is not even going to happen. Although it feels weird, I am happy I didn't go. Because my heart wouldn't have been in it. And I don't want to feel like a fake, sitting there. I sure miss the warmth and the strength I get from going, but if I don't genuinely feel committed or involved, I'd rather not go. I don't really dig people that go once a year because its Christmas. For what are ye there then anyway. So I'm not going this year. It will feel strange and uncomfortable. But maybe it will make me want to go next year, if I've found my own way in faith. If there is a God, he'll probably understand my hesitance anyway and give me the time and freedom to find my own way home.
So, to all my dear friends, family and people I haven't had the pleasure of meeting, I genuinely wish you all a really warm heartfelt Merry Christmas and hope that you get to spend it with whoever you like, wherever you like and that you will think about all the people who do not get to do that..
Love and light for you all.
S.Y.K.
