We've put up a Christmas tree.
I used to love that. Love the moment when it is decorated and the lights welcome you and make you feel at home. And this year he turned out to be really pretty. Simple, exactly how I like it. But somehow I don't feel it. Something feels broken. I realize that it is not the tree that gives you the Christmas feeling.. It is the love that hovers between people. I already knew this, but somehow it hits me real hard this time. This is why people who are alone hate the Christmas period. It sucks if you don't have that! It's depressing and totally in your face wherever you go..
I used to love Christmas. I used to go to church and really enjoy the feeling of being together, belonging somewhere. I used to love seeing the presents under the Christmas tree. I love the idea of people carefully selecting special items for their special persons. Because they love them. I wish I had a big loving family. Who would come together and cook, eat, love and pray together. Enjoy opening the presents together. Sharing the love. Sharing laughter. Making music. Singing.
I know it's cliché. I know that it is a fantasy. There are only few people who have that kind of Christmas. And in fact Christmas was not about that at all. I know that. But I love the idea. Like you see in the American movies. The feel-good ones.
But it won't be. Not this year anyway. Because I don't have one big happy family. It's scattered. And those who I would love to see, I can't. For some maybe this year could be the last. That sucks. So now it's just the three of us. Him, me and the dog. And maybe even a little present under the Christmas tree. I will do my best to make it feel like Christmas. And who knows maybe we'll succeed. At least we are not alone.
And that, quite frankly, is enough to be really thankful for..
I wish everyone a really nice, loving, merry Christmas, may you enjoy it to the fullest if you do have a big happy family, and may you succeed to find peace and maybe even joy if you don't. I send all of you love and understanding. Good health and a better financial situation next year. And most of all, that you are not alone. Because loneliness is the worst feeling in the world. I know that.
Lots of love,
S.Y.K.
