There are days that I can look into à mirror and be happy with what I see. And I'm not talking about the looks, that is a different discussion. I'm talking about me. The human being I am. My personality and everything that came with that deal.
One day, my mother and father had sex. (sorry, unfortunately that's where this story begins;)) At that particular moment in time, my father's genes combined with my mother's genes which ultimately resulted in having à baby, alias ME.
Now, I can go in many different directions with this subject, because there is so much I could say about it. But today I am thinking about this: why do I have such a hard time being me.
I have three brothers, of which one is of the same flesh and blood. I find it incredible how he and I are so completely different, and yet made of the same stuff. Same parents, same genes and still so unbelievably different. Not only lookswise, but mostly personalitywise. When I was younger I used to think that he got it all.. That he pulled the long straw.. But now that I'm older and obviously wiser, I realize dat he has also got some flaws and things to work he definitely has some things to work out as well. The funny thing is, people always tell me that he always talks about me, and I know that there are several things he really admires in me.. And even though I don't see him much, I love him to bits and am really proud of him:)
My problem is that I feel so hopeless sometimes. I feel like an alien. I feel like everything is so useless. Our society is so not humane, so not healthy.. And on the other side so much like nature but in an unfair way. I'm not extremely good at anything. In fact, there is nothing I'm really Good at. I'm just a little bit Good at many things.
I'm so frustrated with myself right now. I can't get anything done, I don't feel like doing anything, I forget important things and choose to not do things deliberately, even though I should havo done them long ago, and I am bound to do myself wrong by not doing them.
"People are not lazy, they just have insufficiënt goals" some famous person once wrote. How right he is in my case. Problem is, this society doesn't always let you make your own goals.. There hardly isn't any room for mistakes.. Make one wrong decision and screw yourself for the next couple of years. Our fantastic government doesn't really help either.. And to think that I live in a relatively relaxed country, where there are at least choices to make. Omg, why do I hold myself back so much, and why do I have so much difficulties with getting things done and out of my way..
I could have had such a different life right now.. Question is, Would I have been happier? Will I ever find inner peace? Will I ever have a job that contributes to a better world (if such a thing exists) instead of breaking it down? Will I ever do something which makes me want to get up in the morning, and let me be content at the end of the day?
Why do people always sigh and roll their eyes whenever I say that I want to do something good, and not contribute to all the bad in the world. Is that so weird? Do all the other people ignore the fact that they are mere followers in a herd? Going in a direction where few people get sickening rich and most earn just enough to pay te bills.. I know that I am in this system as well, and I know that I unwillingly contribute to it every single say. But is it so weird that I wish I didn't have to? That people did not get killed manufacturing the IPhone I am using this very moment to actually write this blog? That the people who made the clothes I wear by working much too hard, actually earned some decent money instead of near to nothing, making few people very rich? I am defenitely not better than any of them followers. Because I am in that herd as well. Maybe as much at the edges as I can, but nonetheless in that goddamn herd. The reason is, I don't think that I can change the world by myself. Heck, I don't think the world can be changed at all. Because we don't really want it to change. Because we're used to it this way. And let's face it, we are in à luxury position as well. We don't really need it to change. I wouldn't even know how to change it. Because there will always be selfishness, and arrogance. There will always be the urge to be bigger and better than the other. There will always be hatred. And disease.. I know that. Many of the people I know, don't like it when I talk about this. They don't want me to think about this. They maybe don't even agree with me on this. And I get that. Because it can be scary and cofronting. And it can make a person way too depressed. But I am just being realistic.. And I like to sometimes express that I think about these things. Because if I let them thoughts out, it clears up in my head. It makes room for more positive thinking. I want to stay humble, and appreciate life and all living things. I want to experience love and give love, because it is one of the things that keep me going. I want to see the beauty in things. I want to appreciate friendship and cherish it. I want to be able to give without expecting or wanting anything back. To be able to do all this, I think you need to be able to know the other side as well. Maybe that doesn't go for everyone, because there are genuinely Nice and good people on this planet, but most of us have à shadowside, with not so good characteristics.
Sometimes it is hard to do what you have to do, even if you know that it will help you in the future. Specially if what you have to do feels so useless most of the time. Well, due to the choices I and some other people in my life made in the past, I have to push myself to follow the herd for another while, until I can hopefully set myself sufficiënt goals. And make at least a tiny part of this world a better place..
:)
The ironic thing is.. If we would all use our herd-following instinct in a positive way, doing positive things, to change the world for the better, it could theoretically be possible..
Because I don't want to make my few "followers" feel bad and ruin their days, I want to end this post with something positive:)
Let's all do something nice for someone else tomorrow, let's let go of our anger and sorrow. Let's smile at each other and brighten up someone elses day by being helpful or just kind. Let's enjoy the good things even more ab be grateful for them, and let's help each other get through the bad..
Lot of love for all,
S.Y.K
ps I'm going to get myself together tomorrow, and make sure I get some important stuff done. Because talking about it is real Nice and everything, but I have to start doing something for real!;)
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