It has been so long since I last posted anything, I almost forgot how to write..
To set the tone immediately:
Havo you ever felt completely lost?
Have you ever felt completely out of place?
Have you ever been so, so frustrated with yourself and everything around you?
Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try or how bad you want something, it just doesn't work?
Have you ever felt like the whole world could collapse and you would not give a shit?
Have you ever felt like the whole world could collapse and you'd be the only one watching it all happen and be amused?
Have you ever felt like nobody ever really understands you?
Have you ever felt like the biggest idiot in the world?
Have you ever felt like you would want to tell the whole f*****g society to open their goddamn eyes and see what is actually important?
Have you ever felt like quitting? Let everything go and just leave?
Have you ever felt completely alone?
Have you ever felt like closing your eyes and not wake up in the morning?
Have you ever laid your body down in the fresh green grass on the first hot summer day and just enjoy the calme?
Have you ever held a puppy, stuck your nose in his hair and smelt the unique sent of its breath?
Have you ever sat on a horse in full gallop in a forest filled with rays of sunlight, feeling the freedom and delight of the running horse?
Have you ever woken up in Switzerland with the sound of cowbells somewhere near, the smell of the fresh cut hay and the sight of the beautiful grand mountains?
Have you ever felt your heart nearly explode of happiness?
Have you ever missed something so bad that your throat chokes up and your stomach turns and you feel like you want to cry but you can't?
I know I have.
I've lost count of how many people have told me I don't know how many times to not be so negative..
It's funny but somehow they just don't seem to understand that for highly sensitive people like me it is sometimes so hard to have to follow the herd, specially if that means that you do things against everything you are..
Not everybody has a special talent and can leave society to follow their own way.. I don't. Which means I have to follow the herd most of the time to be able to provide for a decent living. They don't understand how much that frustrates. It sometimes feels like swimming against the stream for days, weeks, months on end.
It is a burden to feel like nobody ever understands. It feels like a burden to always have to be positive about a world that sucks most of the time.
I would like people to understand that for me it is sometimes necessary to be negative for a moment. Talking about it makes the feelings go away and lighten up. It helps to just throw everything off your back to be able to start new the next day.
Don't get me wrong. I didn't say that I want to be like that every day. It doesn't mean that I am depressed. I just need room to hate everything every now and then, to be able to let positivity flow back into my vains.
I'm sorry that I am that way. I know it sucks to be my friend sometimes. Because being my friend means that you have to listen to my realist, idealist, negative shit every now and then. I just wish I were different. More of a happy go lucky person. Blind for all the crap going on in this world. The unfairness, the mean, the horrible, the selfish and greedy shit that people pull every day again and again.
I would love to be blind for this every now and then. I would love to have a job where I can do good instead of making one or two people extremely rich and in the process making people's lives stressful and hard. I never understand why people always feel the need to tell me that that wil never happen, because everywhere bad things happen, whenever I talk to them about this. I KNOW. Why do you think I am so frustrated sometimes in the first place.
You are right when you tell me that I should see the positive side. I try. I do. But sometimes it is too much being in happy mode, wearing the happy face.
And the worst thing is, I am the lucky one. Compared to others, I don't have problems. Minor hiccups maybe. I am healthy, I can educate myself, I have friends and food on my table day after day. Heck, I even have a dog, who loves me and keeps me company every day.
I am blessed. I am fully aware.
Unfortunately that doesn't block my emotions and sensitivity in this both beautiful and disgusting world.
I wish it did. I work on being positive and happy. And most of the time it works. But every now and then I need to be me. And being me can sometimes mean that I need to accept my negative emotions. That's just the way I am.
I envy the gardener who can work with some of God's most beautiful creations and make our surroundings a little more beautiful. How I wish I could dig my hands in that dirt and feel the calm, the life and honesty of the land.
I love life, I love people, I love what was given to us. I just wish people would use it in peace and in harmony, to make things better, not worse.
Maybe someday I will find my purpose, and be positive from the inside out. Maybe not. We shall see.
I pray for all those who were not so lucky. Who are challenged every day. Who have no reason to be positive whatsoever. Forgive me for being this way.. I pray for you all.
And by having said this, I feel inspired once again to work hard, make the most of every day and love life. And accept the days that are not always so golden. They will pass and better days will come.
I am thankful for all I have. For who I am. Because I am thankful that I still see that there is hurt, and suffering and all that. That I don't just close my eyes and pretend it doesn't exist, because people want me to be positive. I refuse to close my eyes. Even if I wish, I can't.
If you can experience the low, you can experience the high.
I pray that justice will once be done.
Amen.
S.Y.K.
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