Emotionally involved

For those who are curious how I am, here is some news:

I am almost finished with my studies, I've found and got a job as jr account manager, I will move to and live in the city of Antwerp for the next couple of years probably!

How about that?!

I certainly never thought I would end up in Belgium, let alone live in another big city, again. But I got myself into a crappy situation, which put me with my back to the wall. And this is the result. But don't get me wrong, it's not bad at all. In fact, I think it will bring me a lot for the future.. But I still can't help feeling a little bit weird about it anyway. The reason is that I really did not want to live in a big city ever again. At least not because I basically have to. I've got a dog, I would love to have a horse someday.. Green is what I need. But no, she is leaving for the big city.

The only consolidation is dat Antwerp is a cool city, and I will probably end up loving it in the end. It's just that, this situation makes me feel really tied down. Tied down to something I never wanted.

On the other hand, I found a really cool job and got it! I really feel like rocking it, even though I have my insecure moments and sometimes really don't know whether I can do it. But I guess that is normal. It is a huge step forward. One I needed to make. Desperately. It is my ticket out of the crappy life, into something better. It will give me new road to walk on, it will bring me the house, the money, the room to breathe. A little bit of freedom. And the chance to prove to myself, and everyone around me that I can do it. Because I really want to. This is the kind of job I wanted to have. And I got it. Beat that!
I will do all I can to rock it.

My problem is that I don't have patience at all. I want what I want right now. I've waited so long to create myself a home.. A place to be safe, happy and at home. But that will take time. Unfortunately.

All this stuff, together with trying to build up a new relationship, sometimes grabs me by the throat. It scares the hell out of me. Makes me feel like running. Far away from everything. I've felt and been alone for such a long time that it is so much easier to do it alone. I hate that I am concerned when he's gone. I hate that I get insecure about myself and my position towards others. It was so much easier to just be alone. No issues, just me and my dog. And why? Because I got emotionally involved. And that is exactly what I didn't want to happen. Because that means that you can be hurt. Again. That sucks.

Now that I am more mature, I know that I can't run from all this. It will chase me around wherever I go. So I will stay. And try to deal with my issues as well as I can. And try to enjoy myself on the way:)

In the end I will find out what it was all for, and I'll probably be happy:) this is what I want, maybe in a slightly different way than I thought it would be, but that's good. It will make me stronger. Out of my comfort zone. I just hope my dog will forgive me the long hours alone, the lack of forest and play-time.

Will keep you posted:)

S.Y.K.