How can you get yourself to concentrate when all your mind wants to do is wander off...?
Sitting at the desk trying to work on my thesis, but somehow inspiration and knowledge have left me.. I wonder how the big brains do it. Do the right words just flow from their hands onto paper or have they got some kind of switch in their heads which makes them able to concentrate and be genius and stuff?
Yesterday I had a discussion about me and my life and how I felt at that moment. It sucked. Because how can you explain to someone that your brain just won't work with you. That all you do just feels like crap. Somewhere along the road last year I lost my confidence. Confidence in who I am and what I am capable of. I am still trying to figure out whether I've been fooling myself and everybody else that I am clever and stuff, or that I actualy am, but haven't found the right way of life to be abe to show it. Besides that, my whole gut feels like fighting the majority, the mass, the flock of stupid, ignorant sheep who jump to other peoples' orders and do what they have to do because that is the way it is done.. How can you explain that most of the time you just don't feel like joining the flock, keeping up with the herd.
I wish I was an artist. Someone who can write inspiring or heartwarming books, paint or sculpt beautiful art or sing songs that make people feel like dancing on a summer evening at the beach. That would have enabled me to go my own way. Live my life how I wanted to. But I am not. I am just a simple little black sheep, who's hair grew the wrong way. Who thought that he could outsmart the sheperd and run off into the open. Into a nicer place. But helass, no such thing. I am nothing special. I was designed to follow the herd. To do the expected. But something went wrong. I became the bug in the computer program. Trapped in a system where I don't fit in, but which I cannot leave..
I know that complaining about all this does not work. It won't help me to get anywhere and I know that. But how can you switch that off. How can you make your heart beat in line when your whole body shouts with frustration. How can you explain how you feel. It is almost like telling a blind man to see. The thing is I don't want to. And that is my biggest problem. I am a bug. They exist to pinpoint flaws in the system. And that is what I feel like doing. I feel like swimming against the stream. I feel like waving the herd goodbye. Why? Not because I think they are fools. I envy them in some way. They are lucky. Because even though many of them are unhappy with their lives, they are capable of following. They don't feel the need to question what they are doing. They manage to do what is expected. I don't. There is too much in our system which is wrong. Which does not make sense. Not to me anyway. I know I could never change it. This is what was created by all the bad characteristics of human beings. The big differences between poor and rich. The corruption. The crime. The horror.
I know I'm not the only one. There are many people that feel like me. Many more bugs. But bugs are not appreciated. And they find it hard to appreciate themselves. Some of them manage to put their 'issues' aside and blend in with the herd as much as possible. Others leave this life because they just cannot find a way to deal with feeling different. Not being able to change the wrong. Make it right. Besides that, we are lightyears from being perfect ourselves. Which makes it even harder.
The thing is, I am lucky. I managed to zig-zag around the herd. Do the absolutely neccessary, but not ever leave myself for too long. And by doing that I found someone. Someone special. A border collie kind of person. One of the few who find a lost sheep and try to bring it back to the herd. Not neccessarily because he wants it to follow the herd. But because he does not want the sheep to be lost, or get hurt. Because there are also many wolves. And they manage to find the black sheep without a problem. In my case he found me when I needed it the most. Because I was lost. And somewhat hurt. He helps me to walk beside the herd. Finding my own path. Untill I am confident enough to do it on my own. To flourish. And allthough I have allways had difficulties with accepting help, I took his. I learnt to gain a little bit of trust. By finding me, he has opened his eyes to another world. I show him the flaws. I show him what I would want the world to be like. And so we bond. And try to find a path together. A path that keeps us close enough to the herd for him not to be away from the other sheep too much. And far away from the herd enough to let me go my own way.
And for him I fight. I fight against the urge to run away. To leave the herd completely. Because I know it would hurt me to do so. I do it for myself as well. Because I want to find the right path. The road that leads me to where I was supposed to go.
So there I am. Taking another hurtle. Trying to wake up my genius brain to work on my thesis. Because that's one of the things that the system requires of us, the sheep. We need to prove ourselves. Even if it does not say anything. We just have to. And allthough I am a bug, I cannot escape these stupid rules. So I try my best to follow them. And engage myself. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. Nobody cares. And why should they. As long as they have their grass, their water and their fellow sheep, their world is good. Good enough anyway.
I hope my buddy gets enough glimpses of the good side of me to keep me by his side. To not give up on me. On us. Because he makes me happy. And I want to make him happy. I think we can manage. As long as he keeps trying to understand me and I keep trying to understand him, we'll be fine. We wille find the right way. And we will probably enjoy walking it together.
Once more I will order my brain to get going. To not let me down. I think it will go better now that I got these distracting thoughts out of my mind.
Lots of love for you my dear, for finding me and guiding me and taking me just the way I am.
S.Y.K.
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