It has been a while since my last post. You would think that by now I would have found my way, wouldn't you. But when I chose the name for my blog, I chose right. This blog is all about the search. The day I post my last blogpost will be the day I've found what I am looking for. Maybe I'll still be writing when I'm old and grey. Sometimes it makes me depressed, the idea that I will never find it. But maybe that is the lesson I need to learn in this life. Maybe it is all about the road anyway. But the question is: how do you know?
After a crappy job, a three month travel and lots of ups and downs, I'm looking for a new job again. I've only just started looking a few days ago, but already it makes me feel so unhappy. I wanted to take the time to find out what I really want to do with my life. But I've got a relationship and being at home without a job does not make things more fun. I'm so frustrated with myself. Why am I like this? Why does everything seem so useless and without meaning? Why is it so hard for me to just follow the herd?
Today I went to a job agency. I had to do a sort of interview for them to find out more about who I am, about what I am looking for etc etc. I don't know if you've ever done this kind of an interview, but doesn't it seem so useless to answer the same old questions about who you are, your best qualities, your point to work on, what kind of job you want? I sat there and tried to do my best, and in the meantime heard another exact same conversation in the cubicle next to me. I sat there and felt so ridiculous and also somewhat frustrated. How can they honestly think that you can divide people into certain boxes and ask every single person the same question? What if you can't put me in a box? What if I should be put in several different boxes? What if I don't know exactly what kind of job I want? What if I am interested in many different things? What if I am a highly complicated person that cannot be picked up and placed just somewhere based on some written words that are based on an observation of a few minutes by one specific person?
Wouldn't the world be so much more interesting if it was all turned around? If the people looking for work where the ones who could choose? What if the companies had to prove themselves to wannabe employees? What if we could pick our jobs based on what we really wanted to do? I know that would be impossible, but do you get my point?
Why should I prove to anyone who I am? Why can I not live my life the way I want it? Why was the world created the way it is. Half the people are unhappy or just don't care about their jobs. Half the employers are not completely happy with their employees. There are so many crooked things on this planet and this in my opinion is one of them. Sometimes I just don't feel like performing an act of what they want me to be like. In the light of all things, I honestly cannot see the importance.
I used to go to church. I used to firmly believe in God. Or at least in a higher power. And somehow I was always backed by unexplainable things that happened. But the past few years, something changed. There is one question that keeps coming back to my mind: if there is a God, why the hell did he create human beings?? The planet and all the beautiful nature and animals weren't enough? And even if humans should have been the crown on his work, the icing on the cake so to speak, why on earth did he decide to give them free will?! Knowing that there supposedly is a devil at work as well. I don't get it. I still believe there is more to everything we know than meets the eye, but I don't call it God anymore. I still pray sometimes, force of habit I guess. It comforts me. And whenever I go to Switzerland to visit my closest friends, I go to "our" church. It feels really nice. There is something good there. Even during these times. It seems that people are so weak. Susceptible to evil more than any other creature. Our free will did not bring us much good. I know that this all sounds very negative and that people don't like me to talk like this. They say I am a pessimist. I don't agree. I think I am just being realistic. Yes, I know there is a lot of good in the world. I know there are so many good people who really try to make things better. But don't you agree that the bad stuff is just to bad and big to ignore? They call me pessimistic and negative, but have you watched the daily news the past ten/twenty years? What is the ratio of good and bad news?? ...... My point being. If it is anyone's fault that I cannot help thinking pessimistic, it is the media's fault. And I'm sorry, but if I am supposed to be pessimistic, what does that make all the rest? Ignorant, superficial fools? Just because most people decide that, although they feel the need to watch the bad news day in day out, to ignore it all the same, does not make them better than me does it? I apologize that I cannot just switch reality off and go on with my daily activities as if the largest part of the world population is not dead poor and/or suffering in some way or another.
Some people say that you can choose how you feel. I agree. Unless you are physically unable, to some degree you can indeed choose how you feel. That does help sometimes, but it does not solve the problem. It just makes you ignore it for a while. I honestly wish I were different. Not always, but most of the time it sure would be very convenient to be like most people. It is nice to be able to enjoy the hi's of being me, but it really sucks that there are always the low's to go through as well. It comes with being highly sensitive. It helps if people like me find their strengths or life purpose so to speak, because surrounding themselves with things that make them feel good is the best solution. But not all of us overly sensitive people have such a clear purpose in life or just insufficient resources.
If I could swap lives for just one day, I would want to be Mr. Cesar Millan. Not that I wish for anyone to be me, not even for a day;) I admire him. I have already learnt a lot from just watching his shows. I know that many people like to judge him without having a clue, but I really admire him. Or at least what I've seen of him on tv. I wish I could meet him and just talk about anything and everything. His wisdom of people and their energy and of dogs of course is unbelievable.
I wish I could find my reason for being on this planet. I wish I could find my purpose. I haven't found it yet and need to keep searching. All I hope is that somewhere along the long, long road I'm on, I will find a positive way to cope with being me.
Because listening to "The tallest man on earth" his newest cd, all I want is to be free. Free of the burdens of the world. Free to enjoy all the beautiful things out world has to offer. Alongside all the good people who deserve to be free and happy.
I wish everyone all the best. I wish that if there is a God he should fix the world and all the KAK that is going on. Because this sucks!
Oh and don't worry, I'm perfectly fine. I just hate the world sometimes and wish that things were different:)
S.Y.K.
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