I love riding this way myself. So much more connection and feeling with the horses. So much more leanness and movement. We ride them with voice commands, so we do not hinder them in any way. They live in a herd and are relaxed and happy.
Next week I start working half-time again. I'm excited, because it looks to be a good company with the right priorities. I really need the money as well, so all's good.
But then there comes the "but". Nothing is ever perfect. This is what I wanted, and I am really happy with it. But I wouldn't be me if there weren't a downside to the story. Well, not really a downside, but I was confronted with another side of me yesterday. When I came home in the evening after a fine day at the horses, I put on some music, on spotify. I looked up some new songs in the genre Irish, because I love it sometimes, especially in Autumn and I heard a song from Sinead Lohan covered by Nickel Creek - Out of the woods. Immediately, I felt a very strong thug on my heartstrings, as only music can do to me.
I'll try and explain.
A few years ago, I visited Dublin, Ireland for the first time. To make a very long and complicating story short, I never expected to love it so much. That city, the people, the music, the culture with all its good and bad sides, it all just touched my heart and I loved it there. A year later I revisited and the feeling was even stronger. For me Ireland has something wild and at the same time so cosy and warm. I heard the song and my heart ached from a sort of homesickness and longing to be there again. The first time I went to Dublin I found a part of myself I had lost for a long time. My love for music for one.
That doesn't really fully explain how I felt yesterday though. Maybe I can't even explain.
You see, there are two sides of me. It sounds weird, almost as if I were crazy, but I don't mean it that way. On the one hand I'm a traveler. I need freedom. I hate being cooped up somewhere, I hate being tied to something or some place. I need space to move around. This shows even in my house. I need my own space. More than many other people I can imagine. But it goes beyond boundaries of a house or country. It's about being able to follow your inner voice, urges etc.That is why I cannot follow the herd, or why I always tend to do the opposite of what is normal or expected. It also means that I sometimes have almost like an aching heart from a very deep feeling of homesickness for far away places. If I hear a song like that, I instantly feel drawn to Ireland and I feel the urge to go there again. It is not just a simple longing for a holiday, no, it is so much stronger. It is like pain. It happens to me in so many different occasions where I just feel like I would love to be far away from everything, everyone everything and just be somewhere else. Far away plains, riding a horse by a fire-red sunset. Or in my favorite pub in Dublin. Or in a car driving for hours through the most beautiful scenery I've ever seen like in Australia and New-Zealand. It is heartache, homesickness for new and already visited places in the world. Even places I have never been.
But on the other hand I need a home. I want someone to have a home with. I love my dog to death and would never want to miss him ever again for such a long time like during our travels. I need a purpose and I want to make people happy and help them any way I can. I love my friends and wouldn't want to miss them. I want a house of our own, to keep and enjoy. To share with my loved-ones. I love having some kind of structure and clarity. I enjoy taking care of others and doing things together. I love making memories together. It is grand to learn from older and wiser people.
I do think I've discussed this contradiction within me before, but yesterday it was so strong. I felt so torn in two. I know that I really cannot complain. My life is better than that of most people and I know I should not even go there. Sometimes you just cannot help yourself. I've always been this way, but now that I am actually binding myself to a place I had never thought to end up, it just freaks me out a bit. Not so much that I would run away from it, but enough to cause me some stress. It will go away, it always does. These feelings always come and go. Somehow I just did not expect them at this moment, because I have never been happier.
Oh, why can't I just be normal:) Damn high sensitivity.
Anyway, I think it is the change of weather. This music is perfect for autumn blues.
https://youtu.be/-e0VkWRYaMI
But maybe it is just me:)
Probably:)
S.Y.K.
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