It been a long time since I've shared my thoughts with you..
I often feel like my life is a constant battle. A battle against myself mostly. However hard I try, one step forward often means one or more backwards..
Yesterday I came back from a business trip to Switserland. Oh how I love my country! Walking around its streets with my boss, I felt so conflicted. There was such a special vibe there, totally different then where I live now. I loved it. I loved being there. It was one of many times that I even felt kind of angry with my mother for taking me out of Switserland when I was a child. What would my life have been like if I wouldn't have left? I realized that a part of me still wants to go back some day. I felt homesick when we got in the car to start our journey home.. But I am also very happy with my job and the friends I have, which I wouldn't want to miss for the world..
Later that day my dear friends came over and we talked about many things. One item being the fact that I need/want to move house sometime soon. I'm really looking forward to it, but it stresses me out at the same time. It will provide new opportunities and give me peace and quiet. It will give me my own home again, which I feel I really need. But it also triggers my fear of commitment, BIGTIME. I haven't felt like this in a very long time! Since I've found out that I am a HSP, with possibly highly giftedness (not necessarily Einstein, but EQ), many things have become clear to me. All the things that have always made me feel like an alien amongst others, have a foundation. Knowing this, however, does not change the fact that I feel like I am on a constant roller coaster, which hardly gives me time to breathe.
I realise that most of my issues come from me, and only me. I know why I have them and I am constantly looking for ways to deal with them, and I do but it isn't easy at times. Today when I woke up I felt like I was being choked. I felt so uneasy and so not in peace with myself. After acknowledging how I felt, I tried to understand why I have these feelings today and then it hit me!
I feel like I've lost control. I'm not in control of almost everything that's going on in my life at the moment. Even if I can control some of them, it still feels like I am not in control. I'm not in control financially, I am not in control of the fact wether I will get a fixed contract at work. I am not in control of my damn car that is about to breakdown and I don't know what to do since I really need one, this one is not worht spending any more money on because it is old and I'm supposed to get a car from work end of next month. On Monday evening I will go and check out an appartment that I really want, but of which I have no idea whether I will get it, because there are more applicants and I have a dog.. Financially I am not strong at the moment which stresses me out, because I am going to need the money..
Anyway, in short, I am having kind of like a minor panic attack. I feel like I'm constantly battling myself, my feelings, my perfectionism which often triggers huge insecureness etc. etc. Add the fear of commitment to that and there you have the perfect combo to go mad! haha. The one moment I want this, the next I want that. How can you get a good result if you're not focused? How can you be focused if you never know what it is you really want? What if you want so many things that you just can't choose? I don't wan't to be tied down, but I need stability and a home at the same time..
I've met some really awesome, interesting people lately, who have made me aware of the fact that I still have so much to work on. That is a good thing, because I'd rather be consious about it and therefore be able to change things, than be ignorant. But it does not help someone like me to feel empowered and sure about myself. I always try to do the right thing, but I hardly ever feel like I'm succeeding. I need a break. I need to have this contract, I need a nice appartment for me and my dog to have a home again, I need a decent car which will give me freedom and peace of mind. I also need myself to calm down and create space in my constantly active mind to be able to grow.
Although I have never felt better, I suddenly realise that there is still a long way to go.. And maybe that means that I need to accept that I will never find what I think I'm looking for. I guess I need to stop comparing myself to others and start taking things one step at a time. I have my own path to follow and that is perfectly fine.
I think I need to accept that I am a restless warrior, and that I probably will be for the rest of my life. And instead of feeling frustrated about it, embrace the fact that it allows me to meet awesome and interesting people, gain new experiences and always keep working on being a better person. Because the world is fucked-up enough and needs happy people who actually genuinely care and are willing to change things for the better.
Enough about me and my neverending story. I wish every one of you a fantastic weekend, filled with fun, love and true happiness. Because if you want to see it, you can find beauty in almost everything.
S.Y.K.
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