Yule tide blues

We've put up a Christmas tree.

I used to love that. Love the moment when it is decorated and the lights welcome you and make you feel at home. And this year he turned out to be really pretty. Simple, exactly how I like it. But somehow I don't feel it. Something feels broken. I realize that it is not the tree that gives you the Christmas feeling.. It is the love that hovers between people. I already knew this, but somehow it hits me real hard this time. This is why people who are alone hate the Christmas period. It sucks if you don't have that! It's depressing and totally in your face wherever you go..

I used to love Christmas. I used to go to church and really enjoy the feeling of being together, belonging somewhere. I used to love seeing the presents under the Christmas tree. I love the idea of people carefully selecting special items for their special persons. Because they love them. I wish I had a big loving family. Who would come together and cook, eat, love and pray together. Enjoy opening the presents together. Sharing the love. Sharing laughter. Making music. Singing.

I know it's cliché. I know that it is a fantasy. There are only few people who have that kind of Christmas. And in fact Christmas was not about that at all. I know that. But I love the idea. Like you see in the American movies. The feel-good ones.

But it won't be. Not this year anyway. Because I don't have one big happy family. It's scattered. And those who I would love to see, I can't. For some maybe this year could be the last. That sucks. So now it's just the three of us. Him, me and the dog. And maybe even a little present under the Christmas tree. I will do my best to make it feel like Christmas. And who knows maybe we'll succeed. At least we are not alone.

And that, quite frankly, is enough to be really thankful for..

I wish everyone a really nice, loving, merry Christmas, may you enjoy it to the fullest if you do have a big happy family, and may you succeed to find peace and maybe even joy if you don't. I send all of you love and understanding. Good health and a better financial situation next year. And most of all, that you are not alone. Because loneliness is the worst feeling in the world. I know that.

Lots of love,

S.Y.K.

Emotionally involved

For those who are curious how I am, here is some news:

I am almost finished with my studies, I've found and got a job as jr account manager, I will move to and live in the city of Antwerp for the next couple of years probably!

How about that?!

I certainly never thought I would end up in Belgium, let alone live in another big city, again. But I got myself into a crappy situation, which put me with my back to the wall. And this is the result. But don't get me wrong, it's not bad at all. In fact, I think it will bring me a lot for the future.. But I still can't help feeling a little bit weird about it anyway. The reason is that I really did not want to live in a big city ever again. At least not because I basically have to. I've got a dog, I would love to have a horse someday.. Green is what I need. But no, she is leaving for the big city.

The only consolidation is dat Antwerp is a cool city, and I will probably end up loving it in the end. It's just that, this situation makes me feel really tied down. Tied down to something I never wanted.

On the other hand, I found a really cool job and got it! I really feel like rocking it, even though I have my insecure moments and sometimes really don't know whether I can do it. But I guess that is normal. It is a huge step forward. One I needed to make. Desperately. It is my ticket out of the crappy life, into something better. It will give me new road to walk on, it will bring me the house, the money, the room to breathe. A little bit of freedom. And the chance to prove to myself, and everyone around me that I can do it. Because I really want to. This is the kind of job I wanted to have. And I got it. Beat that!
I will do all I can to rock it.

My problem is that I don't have patience at all. I want what I want right now. I've waited so long to create myself a home.. A place to be safe, happy and at home. But that will take time. Unfortunately.

All this stuff, together with trying to build up a new relationship, sometimes grabs me by the throat. It scares the hell out of me. Makes me feel like running. Far away from everything. I've felt and been alone for such a long time that it is so much easier to do it alone. I hate that I am concerned when he's gone. I hate that I get insecure about myself and my position towards others. It was so much easier to just be alone. No issues, just me and my dog. And why? Because I got emotionally involved. And that is exactly what I didn't want to happen. Because that means that you can be hurt. Again. That sucks.

Now that I am more mature, I know that I can't run from all this. It will chase me around wherever I go. So I will stay. And try to deal with my issues as well as I can. And try to enjoy myself on the way:)

In the end I will find out what it was all for, and I'll probably be happy:) this is what I want, maybe in a slightly different way than I thought it would be, but that's good. It will make me stronger. Out of my comfort zone. I just hope my dog will forgive me the long hours alone, the lack of forest and play-time.

Will keep you posted:)

S.Y.K.

Little monsters

I want to cherish every single day

I want to breathe in the fresh morning air and consciously feel the oxygen do its part

I want to enjoy the leap of joy my heart makes every morning and evening when I go to feed my little pony friends, those cheeky monsters and they come running because they're happy to see me

I want to cherish the feeling of love and friendship whenever I speak to my best friends and just hearing their voice comforts me like nothing else

I never want to lose the way my emotions can sometimes overcome me when I listen to beautiful music

I want to be out in nature as much as I can for I feel that it is the one thing that makes me more than happy again and again

I don't want to give up my dream of owning a little B&B in Dublin, or somewhere else in Ireland because I think it will lift my heart

I want to love my dog every day, as much as I can and give him the best possible life, because he deserves it and because there are so many animals that do not receive that and deserve it as well

I want to never forget how it feels when you kiss someone for the first time and the butterflies make your heart and stomach tremble

I want to someday tell both my mother and father that I love them no matter what happened, and that I forgive them for all the crap they made me go through

I want to lie in the sun on the beach for an entire day, drink corona's and fruit juice, play with my dog, see his beautiful smile when he lies next to me with his nose full of sand, listen to nice music, eat and laugh with my friends and finally absorb the sunset as if I'd never seen it before

I want to be aware of the fact that I am healthy, and lucky that I was born into this kind of life, because there are so many who were not so lucky. I want to feel this every day and let it help me to make the most of my life

I want to go back to Switserland and live there for a few years, get to know my family, work hard an learn a lot, and inhale the mountain air during summer and feel my roots grow inside me, just so I never have to say " I wish I had.."

I want to be less scared and more brave and embrace every moment for time flies and life is precious

I want to embrace the challenges I meet and not be so afraid of what the future will bring

I want to meet all the people I love and have loved again, just to tell them how much I've gained from knowing them and how much I sometimes miss those moments

I want to be completely alone for a day and just be me

I want to go to Canada and go on a 8-12 day horse ride vacation, see the Alberta mountains and probably fall in love with its grandure

I want to be happy, without needing anything more than I already have

I want to write a book

I want to do something stupid with my friends and laugh so much that my stomach hurts at the end of the day

I want to see another concert of Benjamin Francis Leftwich, Tallest man on earth and Villagers and see a concert of Trevor Hall and James Vincent McMorrow for the first time

I want to lay down and fall asleep, without my brain trying to ware me down all the time

I want you to be happy

I want you to find your path in life and meet me in a few years time and enjoy each others story over a cup of tea

I want to be able to love without fear

I want to have a home

S.Y.K

What a challenging life it is..

It has been so long since I last posted anything, I almost forgot how to write..

To set the tone immediately:

Havo you ever felt completely lost?
Have you ever felt completely out of place?
Have you ever been so, so frustrated with yourself and everything around you?
Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try or how bad you want something, it just doesn't work?
Have you ever felt like the whole world could collapse and you would not give a shit?
Have you ever felt like the whole world could collapse and you'd be the only one watching it all happen and be amused?
Have you ever felt like nobody ever really understands you?
Have you ever felt like the biggest idiot in the world?
Have you ever felt like you would want to tell the whole f*****g society to open their goddamn eyes and see what is actually important?
Have you ever felt like quitting? Let everything go and just leave?
Have you ever felt completely alone?
Have you ever felt like closing your eyes and not wake up in the morning?
Have you ever laid your body down in the fresh green grass on the first hot summer day and just enjoy the calme?
Have you ever held a puppy, stuck your nose in his hair and smelt the unique sent of its breath?
Have you ever sat on a horse in full gallop in a forest filled with rays of sunlight, feeling the freedom and delight of the running horse?
Have you ever woken up in Switzerland with the sound of cowbells somewhere near, the smell of the fresh cut hay and the sight of the beautiful grand mountains?
Have you ever felt your heart nearly explode of happiness?
Have you ever missed something so bad that your throat chokes up and your stomach turns and you feel like you want to cry but you can't?


I know I have.

I've lost count of how many people have told me I don't know how many times to not be so negative..

It's funny but somehow they just don't seem to understand that for highly sensitive people like me it is sometimes so hard to have to follow the herd, specially if that means that you do things against everything you are..

Not everybody has a special talent and can leave society to follow their own way.. I don't. Which means I have to follow the herd most of the time to be able to provide for a decent living. They don't understand how much that frustrates. It sometimes feels like swimming against the stream for days, weeks, months on end.

It is a burden to feel like nobody ever understands. It feels like a burden to always have to be positive about a world that sucks most of the time.

I would like people to understand that for me it is sometimes necessary to be negative for a moment. Talking about it makes the feelings go away and lighten up. It helps to just throw everything off your back to be able to start new the next day.

Don't get me wrong. I didn't say that I want to be like that every day. It doesn't mean that I am depressed. I just need room to hate everything every now and then, to be able to let positivity flow back into my vains.

I'm sorry that I am that way. I know it sucks to be my friend sometimes. Because being my friend means that you have to listen to my realist, idealist, negative shit every now and then. I just wish I were different. More of a happy go lucky person. Blind for all the crap going on in this world. The unfairness, the mean, the horrible, the selfish and greedy shit that people pull every day again and again.

I would love to be blind for this every now and then. I would love to have a job where I can do good instead of making one or two people extremely rich and in the process making people's lives stressful and hard. I never understand why people always feel the need to tell me that that wil never happen, because everywhere bad things happen, whenever I talk to them about this. I KNOW. Why do you think I am so frustrated sometimes in the first place.

You are right when you tell me that I should see the positive side. I try. I do. But sometimes it is too much being in happy mode, wearing the happy face.

And the worst thing is, I am the lucky one. Compared to others, I don't have problems. Minor hiccups maybe. I am healthy, I can educate myself, I have friends and food on my table day after day. Heck, I even have a dog, who loves me and keeps me company every day.

I am blessed. I am fully aware.

Unfortunately that doesn't block my emotions and sensitivity in this both beautiful and disgusting world.

I wish it did. I work on being positive and happy. And most of the time it works. But every now and then I need to be me. And being me can sometimes mean that I need to accept my negative emotions. That's just the way I am.

I envy the gardener who can work with some of God's most beautiful creations and make our surroundings a little more beautiful. How I wish I could dig my hands in that dirt and feel the calm, the life and honesty of the land.

I love life, I love people, I love what was given to us. I just wish people would use it in peace and in harmony, to make things better, not worse.

Maybe someday I will find my purpose, and be positive from the inside out. Maybe not. We shall see.

I pray for all those who were not so lucky. Who are challenged every day. Who have no reason to be positive whatsoever. Forgive me for being this way.. I pray for you all.

And by having said this, I feel inspired once again to work hard, make the most of every day and love life. And accept the days that are not always so golden. They will pass and better days will come.

I am thankful for all I have. For who I am. Because I am thankful that I still see that there is hurt, and suffering and all that. That I don't just close my eyes and pretend it doesn't exist, because people want me to be positive. I refuse to close my eyes. Even if I wish, I can't.

If you can experience the low, you can experience the high.

I pray that justice will once be done.

Amen.

S.Y.K.

Uhu

I have just had one of the best experiences of my life. It was grand. I am currently living in a woorden chalet in the middle of an amusement park across the stables of the horse show. I am writing my graduation paper for a Belgian amusement park and I love it! I've been here for a week now and I have fallen completely in love with the friendliness of the people here, the atmosphere, tha fat that I am allowed to bring my dog to the office, who I hope will become the new mascot and besides the fact that it is way cool to live on an actual amusement park I have met one of their fixed residents.

I will explain. This park was founded by a famous Belgian singer and fantasist who called himself Bobbejaan, as if his real name wasn't weird enough (believe me it was). He one day decided to buy himself some swampland, dug a hole, created a beach and let people swim in it for a dime. Since he was a born entertainer, being one of the best whistlers ever, he slowly started turning his private swamp beach into an amusement park.

I love it. I love walking over the grounds of the park when nobody is around. The office is situated at the other edge of the park so every morning me and Simba walk across to go to work (I do the work, Simba just pays visits and sleeps, unfortunately;). Unless you've done it yourself, unless you see what I see an feel what I feel, you do not understand the mere excitement that rushes through my veins every day when I walk to work.

But back to what I initially wanted to share: every day when I walk back "home" tot the chalet where Simba and I now live for the time being, I hear an owl. Not just an ordinary owl. No, he's the boss. He owns these grounds. I only realized just now. I decided to take Simba for a short walk after dinner and as we were walking the grounds I heard him again. Since I loved that sound instantly since the first time I heard, I had never seen him and was quite curious in which tree he actually sat. As we were walking and I heard him again I decided to mimic the sound. As I did it the second time, and he responded I saw him flying over us and taking place in a tree nearby. He was quite far away still but I saw that he has a huge wingspan and the sound makes me think it's an uhu. That's the sound he makes. But I have never seen one in my life so I wouldn't know. I am determined to look it up at work tomorrow!

Anyway, he was so huge, even from a distance and he held on to the tree so strangely. I kept calling him and he responded. As I walked back to the chalet I couldn't hear him that well anymore and called him once more. I was playing around with Simba and all of a sudden the huge bird flies over us again and sits down right across from us on the nearby roller coaster building and looks at us. I called him again and he kept responding. It was indescribable. At first I was that arrogant that I thought he followed me because he was interested in who made the sound. But he flew away and I realized. He was just patrolling his grounds. And so he should. What a magnificent creature. I could see the feathers on his ears, he was huge, no kidding. What a beautiful animal.

So now I hope to see him again. My wart swells whenever I walk to work in the morning and he greets me. Same goes for when I walk home after work and he is already calling me as I come walking. I love it. I love him.

I just hope he doesn't think he can eat my dog, because he is large enough to think he can.. :D better watch him closely!!

Who would have thought that I would even live on an amusement park, seeing everything evolve around me and waiting for the park to open as season starts in a few weeks time. For now I just enjoy being all alone in the heart of the park. Enjoying the vibe that surrounds me as I walk the grounds. Even in rest it is a miraculous place. As if the fun, joy, excitement, love and positive emotions that are all outed here sort of hang around. Just like the sometimes sad and or eerie feeling you have on a graveyard. But then solely positive.

How grand. How joyous. How lucky and blessed I feel. I know it's just an amusement park, but I feel lucky nonetheless. Because I can suck this vibe in and use it for the best. And take that experience with me for the rest of my life.

Bless all of ya!


Uhu and till next time! Xxx

S.Y.K.