Autumn blues have begun...

My life has changed. In a good way! I promised to elaborate and I will. I've found what I love to do. Which is working with horses in a therapeutic way, helping children and adults of all ages, with or without disabilities. Teaching them to ride without a saddle, in nature. I love it. I love when they start with being a bit afraid, and seeing them change into being confident in just an hour! I love how people relax and enjoy.

I love riding this way myself. So much more connection and feeling with the horses. So much more leanness and movement. We ride them with voice commands, so we do not hinder them in any way. They live in a herd and are relaxed and happy.

Next week I start working half-time again. I'm excited, because it looks to be a good company with the right priorities. I really need the money as well, so all's good.

But then there comes the "but". Nothing is ever perfect. This is what I wanted, and I am really happy with it. But I wouldn't be me if there weren't a downside to the story. Well, not really a downside, but I was confronted with another side of me yesterday. When I came home in the evening after a fine day at the horses, I put on some music, on spotify. I looked up some new songs in the genre Irish, because I love it sometimes, especially in Autumn and I heard a song from Sinead Lohan covered by Nickel Creek - Out of the woods. Immediately, I felt a very strong thug on my heartstrings, as only music can do to me.

I'll try and explain.

A few years ago, I visited Dublin, Ireland for the first time. To make a very long and complicating story short, I never expected to love it so much. That city, the people, the music, the culture with all its good and bad sides, it all just touched my heart and I loved it there. A year later I revisited and the feeling was even stronger. For me Ireland has something wild and at the same time so cosy and warm. I heard the song and my heart ached from a sort of homesickness and longing to be there again. The first time I went to Dublin I found a part of myself I had lost for a long time. My love for music for one.

That doesn't really fully explain how I felt yesterday though. Maybe I can't even explain.

You see, there are two sides of me. It sounds weird, almost as if I were crazy, but I don't mean it that way. On the one hand I'm a traveler. I need freedom. I hate being cooped up somewhere, I hate being tied to something or some place. I need space to move around. This shows even in my house. I need my own space. More than many other people I can imagine. But it goes beyond boundaries of a house or country. It's about being able to follow your inner voice, urges etc.That is why I cannot follow the herd, or why I always tend to do the opposite of what is normal or expected. It also means that I sometimes have almost like an aching heart from a very deep feeling of homesickness for far away places. If I hear a song like that, I instantly feel drawn to Ireland and I feel the urge to go there again. It is not just a simple longing for a holiday, no, it is so much stronger. It is like pain. It happens to me in so many different occasions where I just feel like I would love to be far away from everything, everyone everything and just be somewhere else. Far away plains, riding a horse by a fire-red sunset. Or in my favorite pub in Dublin. Or in a car driving for hours through the most beautiful scenery I've ever seen like in Australia and New-Zealand. It is heartache, homesickness for new and already visited places in the world. Even places I have never been.

But on the other hand I need a home. I want someone to have a home with. I love my dog to death and would never want to miss him ever again for such a long time like during our travels. I need a purpose and I want to make people happy and help them any way I can. I love my friends and wouldn't want to miss them. I want a house of our own, to keep and enjoy. To share with my loved-ones. I love having some kind of structure and clarity. I enjoy taking care of others and doing things together. I love making memories together. It is grand to learn from older and wiser people.

I do think I've discussed this contradiction within me before, but yesterday it was so strong. I felt so torn in two. I know that I really cannot complain. My life is better than that of most people and I know I should not even go there. Sometimes you just cannot help yourself. I've always been this way, but now that I am actually binding myself to a place I had never thought to end up, it just freaks me out a bit. Not so much that I would run away from it, but enough to cause me some stress. It will go away, it always does. These feelings always come and go. Somehow I just did not expect them at this moment, because I have never been happier.

Oh, why can't I just be normal:) Damn high sensitivity.

Anyway, I think it is the change of weather. This music is perfect for autumn blues.
https://youtu.be/-e0VkWRYaMI

But maybe it is just me:)

Probably:)

S.Y.K.

The (not so) little frustrations of life

Imagine this: you are walking through a shopping street, enjoying the company of a good friend, and all of a sudden you need a toilet, NOW. You carefully mention this to your friend, who equally carefully replies that maybe you can ask to use the toilet in the bookstore we are about to enter. You reply, with some dignity left, no need to worry, you will hold it up for a little while longer, until you get home. However, after a few minutes, you cannot ignore certain things happening in the body and you really need a toilet, NOW! Your friend pays for his purchase when you mention that maybe waiting for being home is no longer an option. He kindly directs you to the first teamroom that you come across and offers to buy a drink to go so you can calmly move (read: RUN) towards the back of the cafe, where thank god there is a toilet (and no waiting line). You enjoy a few moments letting go and when the business is done you aim for the toilet brush to, you know, remove the evidence so to speak. You grab the handle of the brush, and lift your arm, and GODDAMN, the brush is stuck in the holder. You try again, and again, and again, and again, and again (also trying not to touch too much of it because you never know who touched it before you) and AGAIN, but it is sort of stuck every time. Eventually, after moving the GODDAMN thing around, it releases and you can get to business. After the inevitable, you try to put the thing back into its holder and GODDAMN, it does not go in! So again you move the thing around until this ****brush is back in place. Somehow, you now come to gain some understanding why the brush is still so clean and white, and why these sort of public toilets so often contain evidence of human interference. If it is so GODDAMN hard to get the GODDAMN brush out of the holder, why bother to clean up after yourself? I am not sure they want you to do so, if they make it so hard to do...

Or, you want to wash your hands after visiting the toilet, there is a perfectly suitable sink, and find out that when you try to rinse your hands, they do not fit under the tiny tap and you sort of have to almost press your hands against the sink to get some water on them. Why install a huge sink, if you wish to provide the smallest tap ever made? Which idiot came up with the idea of a mini tap anyway? I don't know, maybe the engineer who designed it was a midget, but even so, he would not be able to fit his hands between the tap and the sink.. Am I the only person who would rather install a smaller sink and a larger/higher tap so you can actually wash your hands under the water beam? Really, did this engineer get paid?? I think so, because I encounter this so often!

Or, you want to open a package of some slices of meat you want to make your lunch sandwich with, and by opening it, the whole thing rips apart. Great. So much for being able to re-close it.

I ask myself, do these companies test their own products? And do they seriously not see that this is highly annoying??

Anyways, I've had a really nice day today. Beautiful weather, great company and nice iced-cappuccino's (hence the need for a toilet, I assume).

I know it has been a while since I last posted, but I've been busy finding me now. Things have changed a great deal for me, in a good way and I am going to elaborate soon, because it is too nice to not share with you. But not now. Now was the time for releasing the (not so) little frustrations of life.

S.Y.K.

Long long road

The moment you realize the road you've taken is long.. So much longer than you thought it would be.

It has been a while since my last post. You would think that by now I would have found my way, wouldn't you. But when I chose the name for my blog, I chose right. This blog is all about the search. The day I post my last blogpost will be the day I've found what I am looking for. Maybe I'll still be writing when I'm old and grey. Sometimes it makes me depressed, the idea that I will never find it. But maybe that is the lesson I need to learn in this life. Maybe it is all about the road anyway. But the question is: how do you know?

After a crappy job, a three month travel and lots of ups and downs, I'm looking for a new job again. I've only just started looking a few days ago, but already it makes me feel so unhappy. I wanted to take the time to find out what I really want to do with my life. But I've got a relationship and being at home without a job does not make things more fun. I'm so frustrated with myself. Why am I like this? Why does everything seem so useless and without meaning? Why is it so hard for me to just follow the herd?

Today I went to a job agency. I had to do a sort of interview for them to find out more about who I am, about what I am looking for etc etc. I don't know if you've ever done this kind of an interview, but doesn't it seem so useless to answer the same old questions about who you are, your best qualities, your point to work on, what kind of job you want? I sat there and tried to do my best, and in the meantime heard another exact same conversation in the cubicle next to me. I sat there and felt so ridiculous and also somewhat frustrated. How can they honestly think that you can divide people into certain boxes and ask every single person the same question? What if you can't put me in a box? What if I should be put in several different boxes? What if I don't know exactly what kind of job I want? What if I am interested in many different things? What if I am a highly complicated person that cannot be picked up and placed just somewhere based on some written words that are based on an observation of a few minutes by one specific person?

Wouldn't the world be so much more interesting if it was all turned around? If the people looking for work where the ones who could choose? What if the companies had to prove themselves to wannabe employees? What if we could pick our jobs based on what we really wanted to do? I know that would be impossible, but do you get my point?

Why should I prove to anyone who I am? Why can I not live my life the way I want it? Why was the world created the way it is. Half the people are unhappy or just don't care about their jobs. Half the employers are not completely happy with their employees. There are so many crooked things on this planet and this in my opinion is one of them. Sometimes I just don't feel like performing an act of what they want me to be like. In the light of all things, I honestly cannot see the importance.

I used to go to church. I used to firmly believe in God. Or at least in a higher power. And somehow I was always backed by unexplainable things that happened. But the past few years, something changed. There is one question that keeps coming back to my mind: if there is a God, why the hell did he create human beings?? The planet and all the beautiful nature and animals weren't enough? And even if humans should have been the crown on his work, the icing on the cake so to speak, why on earth did he decide to give them free will?! Knowing that there supposedly is a devil at work as well. I don't get it. I still believe there is more to everything we know than meets the eye, but I don't call it God anymore. I still pray sometimes, force of habit I guess. It comforts me. And whenever I go to Switzerland to visit my closest friends, I go to "our" church. It feels really nice. There is something good there. Even during these times. It seems that people are so weak. Susceptible to evil more than any other creature. Our free will did not bring us much good. I know that this all sounds very negative and that people don't like me to talk like this. They say I am a pessimist. I don't agree. I think I am just being realistic. Yes, I know there is a lot of good in the world. I know there are so many good people who really try to make things better. But don't you agree that the bad stuff is just to bad and big to ignore? They call me pessimistic and negative, but have you watched the daily news the past ten/twenty years? What is the ratio of good and bad news?? ...... My point being. If it is anyone's fault that I cannot help thinking pessimistic, it is the media's fault. And I'm sorry, but if I am supposed to be pessimistic, what does that make all the rest? Ignorant, superficial fools? Just because most people decide that, although they feel the need to watch the bad news day in day out, to ignore it all the same, does not make them better than me does it? I apologize that I cannot just switch reality off and go on with my daily activities as if the largest part of the world population is not dead poor and/or suffering in some way or another.

Some people say that you can choose how you feel. I agree. Unless you are physically  unable, to some degree you can indeed choose how you feel. That does help sometimes, but it does not solve the problem. It just makes you ignore it for a while. I honestly wish I were different. Not always, but most of the time it sure would be very convenient to be like most people. It is nice to be able to enjoy the hi's of being me, but it really sucks that there are always the low's to go through as well. It comes with being highly sensitive. It helps if people like me find their strengths or life purpose so to speak, because surrounding themselves with things that make them feel good is the best solution. But not all of us overly sensitive people have such a clear purpose in life or just insufficient resources.

If I could swap lives for just one day, I would want to be Mr. Cesar Millan. Not that I wish for anyone to be me, not even for a day;) I admire him. I have already learnt a lot from just watching his shows. I know that many people like to judge him without having a clue, but I really admire him. Or at least what I've seen of him on tv. I wish I could meet him and just talk about anything and everything. His wisdom of people and their energy and of dogs of course is unbelievable.

I wish I could find my reason for being on this planet. I wish I could find my purpose. I haven't found it yet and need to keep searching. All I hope is that somewhere along the long, long road I'm on, I will find a positive way to cope with being me.

Because listening to "The tallest man on earth" his newest cd, all I want is to be free. Free of the burdens of the world. Free to enjoy all the beautiful things out world has to offer. Alongside all the good people who deserve to be free and happy. 

I wish everyone all the best. I wish that if there is a God he should fix the world and all the KAK that is going on. Because  this sucks!

Oh and don't worry, I'm perfectly fine. I just hate the world sometimes and wish that things were different:)

S.Y.K.