The night before

Have you ever felt lost?

I guess we all know what it is like to feel alone. No exeptions. I feel alone right now. And restless. No one to talk to, not even my dog's here to accompany me on the couch while I'm playing the guitar.

Did you know that we feel alone more often than we realise? Did you ever stand in the supermarket thinking about what to eat tonight or standing in line waiting your turn to pay too much money, and suddenly feel hopelessly alone? It's not as present as when you lay in bed looking at the sealing and missing that extra body in your bed. Maybe you don't even realize.

Have you ever seen something extremely funny on your way to work, or on your way home, which left you with a huge (inner) smile on your face, but two seconds later the smile is gone because there is no-one to smile with ya. I know I have.

We all know the lonely nights on the couch. We all know the nights alone in the bed. We all know those parties were everyone else seems to be there with someone, or seems to be surrounded by friends like bees to their honey. Those are the moments we usually realize that we are alone, and also feel that way.

I have thought about this many many times before. I have felt so alone, so many times in these past 24 years.. So many moments I couldn't share with anyone. Even when there were loads of people or friends around, I felt alone. Completely and utterly alone. Just me against all those wo just wouldn't understand anyway. Sound familiar?

Funny, thing is though, all this thinking made me realize something else as well. There is a difference between feeling alone and feeling lonely. I'll try to explain.. If you feel lonely, you feel sad. In that moment you Would want someone to be there with you, who would make that feeling unnecessary. That person or those people would be the reason that your loneliness Would be gone.

If you feel alone, you don't have to be sad. You can also feel enlightened, or different, or special, or weird, or lonely, or well, alone. Like now, I am not really sad, I don't necessarily need someone to be here, I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I somehow feel quite humble, as if I suddenly realize how tiny and unimportant we are as single human beings. With this I do not mean worthless, please do not go there. I just understand all of a sudden, that we are cattle in a herd for a reason. People are not meant to be alone. We prefer being with or around other human beings. Simpel as that. Now those of you who know me a bit better, will instantly say 'but you hate being part of the herd'! I know, You're right. I do not like being one of many, heck, I even like being alone most of the time. And there are also people who feel like me. (And maybe even moreso, because I do try to fit in when necessary.)

It's so much easier to be alone than having to convey yourself into something that fits in with the rest. But still, I do feel alone sometimes and it is during these moments that I realize how much I cherish my friends, how much I like being with them and how often I really suck at being a friend to them myself! I love being free, free to go where I want to go, do whatever I want to do, and do it right now if possible. And I strongly dislike having to set boundaries and to be completely honest, I am also sometimes almost allergic to appointments, even if they are with my best friends.

Good thing is, is know myself, and I think I figured out where this comes from in my case. I speak only for myself on this blog so I'm not saying this is the general reason for this kin of behaviour! I think, I have a problem with this because I missed out on some things during childhood. For example, I have never lived in the same place longer than five years. If you move to some place new, it takes between three and five years to make new close friends, to get thouroughly used to your surroundings, to know all the ins and outs at a job etc. Or in short: before you get attached. In my case, I guess I have never really gotten attached, which made it hard for me to know what it is like to belong somewhere. To belong to a group of people. To belong to someone. As a kid I was removed from places, people, friends etc. many times again and again before properly getting attached.

This does not have to be negative at all, for I've gained lots of life experience and I've met many Nice people along the way. And looking at my brother you can do with this whatever fits you best. He's dug himself a hole, planted his tree and poured concrete in, some call it marriage, and that way attached himself to everything he was looking for in life. I admire him. I think it is great how he's able to make himself part of this group of people that surround him. And they all love him.

But I'm different. In me it resulted in often feeling like an alien amongst most people. Feeling awkward because you just don't really fit in anywhere. The stupid thing is, I am the one causing myself not to fit in completely. The idea of belonging somewhere both appeals to me and scares me to death. Somehow it makes me feel like I lose my freedom if I do that. It's something I want more than anything else in life, and something I absolutely do not ever want for to happen. (Goddamnit, these shitty contradictions!!)

Anyway, tonight I feel alone. But it's à Good thing, because it makes me want to enjoy the next few days to the absolute max!! My heart swells when I think about seeing some of my most beloved human beings again. I can't wait to be up all night, talking about all this and so much more, and being dead tired and laying in the sun for all the next day. I can't wait to wrap my arms around one of the few people I love the most so tightly that I could almost squeese her to death. I can't wait to breathe in the cleanest most freshest air ever to touch my lungs. Smell the hay in the morning when the sun just comes up. See the mountains from te balcony as I enjoy those scarce moments just before sundown when the mountaintops turn flamingo.

All these things I hope to share with someone, someday. And I hope that person will feel the same juice of love, contentness and acceptation running through his veigns, as will run through mine. I want to stand on top of that mountain and feel exactly that what Isbells sing in their song 'Elation' looking at the other person smiling, knowing he feels exactly te same.

But for now I'm okay. I feel grateful for everything I have, grateful for being healthy, grateful for being able to do all this in te first place, grateful for having my own appartment, grateful for the way I look and even grateful for who I am. And real grateful that I get to hop on that plane tomorrow to visit beloved people, my beautiful home land, maybe even my family.

I know I don't always show this and certainly don't say it often enough but to my dear friends and family, I genuinely love you guys and I want to thank you for accepting me the way I am, even if that means you are expected to read my long long rambling on about all the above and more to come!

Contradiction

I couldn't sleep last night, which gave me too much time to think.. And once I start thinking.. Oh boy, ask my friends, you can get ready for some heavy stuff..

Because yesterday's post was already quite heavy, I wanted to keep my next post a bit more cheerful. I'm afraid though, I will have to owe you that one, because today there's only one thing on my mind: Because I'm leaving to Switserland this Thursday, my dear little doggy will be leaving for his own little vacation at friends of mine.

So here's the contradiction: I thoroughly love my Brown little bear, and try to keep him close to me, every step I take. But to be honest, I'm very happy that he will be staying with these dear friends of mine for little more than a week.. Reason is, it can be very tiring to be so young and having to take care of a dog every day, day in, day out. Specially such a sweet, sensitive dog like mine. So, on the one hand I absolutely love my dog, and wouldn't want to miss him for the world! But on the other hand, It's a huge responsability to make sure he gets everything he needs and deserves. And to be completely honest, sometimes it can be a little bit too much.


My dog is my mirror. He is probably the only being on this planet who give me completely honest feedback on how I live my life. It's frustrating! But also very nice, if someone knows you so well.. I've had him for five years now, and in those five years, we have never really been seperated. I mean not like for real. Of course I've been on holidays and stuff, but never longer than two to three weeks. He has always slept in the same room as I do, and sometimes he even cuddles up beside me when I wake up. You can imagine that this cute little dog of mine knows me better than I do myself! I will give you an example:

One day, all of a sudden, I noticed that Simba was really quiet. Not just calm like usual, but really quiet. He didn't really eat much and didn't really want much attention. First I thought that maybe he was just having a bad day or I don't know.. Whatever. I started watching him a bit more closely, and it didn't change. I even took him to a vet, but she told me that there wasn't anything wrong with him. This went on and somehow I started having real trouble with my stomach. Pains, inflation, and more awkward stuff I'm not going to mention. It became so pressing that I went to see a doctor myself. You know what he told me? I was having stomach problems because of too much stress, too little sleep, not enough sports and way too much on my mind. So, I had to start walking the dog more often, eating right, doing more sports and all that. And well whatta ya know: my dog started changing too!

To make an already long story not too much longer, I finally saw the light and realised that my little monster knew way before I did that I wasn't happy and didn't take Good enough care of myself. Recognize this?

Anyway, tonight, in a few minutes, my friends will be here to pick him up. Hè will stay there for app. 10 days while I am off on holiday.. And even though I love not having to get up early in the morning to walk mr. simba for the next ten days, I somehow can't help feeling à bit miserable for leaving him behind and giving him away to the caring hands of others..

Unbelievable how two strong feelings can contradict inside you like this.

Freedom versus responsability and love

I'm lucky, I get to have both;)

Dear friends, I will now spend these few last minutes on telling my puppy to be Good, not eat catpoo and so on, and will keep you guys posted..

Watch out for my stories on Suisse as of Thursday!!

S.Y.K.

Happy single! ( or not..?)

To be or not to be.. Single

How many of you have frowned with irritation whenever you've heard someone say: I'm a happy single? Haha, yeah, I know, haven't we all.. But I have to say.. I couldn't be happier at the moment. And I am definitely single! You wonder why I bring this up on this particular Monday evening? Well, I'll tell you why: My dear neighbour and becoming one of my best friends has started dating again after being in a relationship for five years. And of course I am the first person to know how things are going since we see each other each day. I absolutely love to be involved in the whole process she's going through to find that one guy, that one special person all of us women secretly still hope we will find someday. Thing is, all of her dates have let her down up till now, so it's also up to me to cheer her up every time these idiots acted like complete losers the day after.. Don't get me wrong, she is not desperate or anything, she would just love to find someone to love, share life, have babies etc. the whole shabbang. It's just that, I'm running out of explanations of the jerky behaviour these guys display.. I try to stay positive and objective but that's real hard sometimes. I know it might sound cliché or pessimist, but I really wonder sometimes if it is actually possible to find another human being who is worth going through all the troubles of falling in love, getting into à new relationship and all that.. Looking at my matey going through this roller coaster of highs and lows similar to the old " he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me.." thing from when we were young, makes me a bit reluctant to believe in genuine, selfless love myself.

This is such an old discussion, where everyone has his or her own opinion. Secretly most of us still really want to believe that such thing as true love exhists, where others are less hopefull and some don't even hope for it any longer. Being a true-hearted dreamer myself, I refuse to give up the idea of finding a mate for life, but I am nonetheless really truly and utterly happy to be single and genuinely content with the way my life is right now.

I dislike people saying ' don't worry, you're still so young, you'll definitely find someone.. Just wait and see..'. Why do they feel the need to tell me this every time this subject comes up? Do I really come across as a miserable, sad person, who sees things only in black and white? I hope not! Can we not just talk about this without all these clichés, all this heart-felt, well meant advice and shit? Sometimes it just feels great to talk about things like this, just to get it of your chest so you can get up the next day and wear a smile as if you actually mean it. Why do I instantly get the label "pessimist" or "negative" just because I like to sometimes talk about real things that bother many of us? It's not like I don't know that everything will eventually be allright.. :) I just wonder, because I honestly feel that It's going to be hard to find someone who will be happy living alongside me..:)

Anyway, what I wanted to say, haha, is that I realised today that I am happy being a single woman. Yes, I do still want to find that one awesome person who will make my life golden, nobody really wants to be alone for the rest of his/her life. But right now, I would not want to swap lives with the odd happy couple:) no sir, not for me. Living the standard married life, with a big house, two kids and a chocolate brown lab is not for me anyway. That picture scares the hell out of me!

Well, enough about this for now! I've decided to live my life, regardless of what will come, regardless of whom I will or won't meet etc. I love my friends, my family, my dog and since I cannot look into the future, I'll try and make the most of every new day. I even feel better now that I've shared these thoughts! 

Dear friends, for all you searchig for love, don't give up, but don't try to hard either! For all those who feel like me, not to worry, things will go exactly like they were supposed to go, so let go and live life!

And most important: don't forget to smile along the way;)

Soundtrack to this blogpost: Keane-Strangeland (album)

Nice to meet ya!

Hiya Everyone!

So nice to meet y'all. I can't believe that I've finally started my own blog. Don't worry, I am well aware that this is only a novelty to me, you have seen many before reading mine;)

I have been thinking about starting a blog for so long.. Everytime I thought, yeah come on, you should, I just let it go.. But now, here it is. Damn, took me long enough. Well, It feels good to be able to share my life with at least the people I care about in my life. Since I am planning on moving around the world before settling down, if I will ever do so, it will be nice to give my loved ones the opportunity to follow me around, enjoy life with me, cry with me when needed etc. etc. If you're not one of my loved ones (yet) no need to worry: I have a big heart, with plenty of room for genuinely nice people.

Before I shortly introduce myself to you, I would like to thank someone special for inspiring me to start blogging for real. N. thnx for visiting, and letting me into your world..:) People, if you are into some real cool and arty Photography, don't forget to check out my dear fellow blogger: www.checktwoshoes.blogspot.com

I study International Business and Languages, live in The Netherlands, but was born in Berne, Switserland. I've lived there till I was five I think, then moved to Holland, had a short break (two years) in Cape Town, South Africa, before moving back to Holland, moved around a lot before crashing in my current town. I have never lived anywhere longer than five years, and am already planning to leave my current home for an unknown new place to live. The reason: I am going to do my graduation internship somewhere in a foreign country. I would love to do so in Switserland, to get to know my family there a bit more and get in touch with my roots again. My second choice would be South Africa, to see that side of my family again too. But any country will do, as long as I get the opportunity to learn a lot, be free to share my ideas, help a company to work more environmentally friendly. (Any tips? post a comment and I'll get in touch! I am interested in Marketing, Sales, Account management in companies specially focusing on Environmentally friendly entrepeneurship)

Following this blog you will be able to get an insight in how I see the world, the society we live in, my experiences in the countries I am still planning on visiting, the people I meet, the pets they have, nature- because I love nature, the pictures I make on my way, the music I listen to, and all the other interesting or not interesting stuff I will be blogging about. Would be nice to meet people who understand how I think, how I feel, what I see and why I saw it, why I love my dog so much, why I feel like an alien amongst my fellow humans sometimes..

Here's a picture of my bestest little friend, Simba, my own little lion king, since I will be sharing loads of fun experiences I have with him on this blog!

I'll be visiting my beloved Switserland next week, so come back again to read about all the things I will be doing and have done then and show you some pictures to help you visualize;)

Anyway, I'd love to see ya visiting my blog again, so please do so!

See ya!

S.Y.K.