I guess we all know what it is like to feel alone. No exeptions. I feel alone right now. And restless. No one to talk to, not even my dog's here to accompany me on the couch while I'm playing the guitar.
Did you know that we feel alone more often than we realise? Did you ever stand in the supermarket thinking about what to eat tonight or standing in line waiting your turn to pay too much money, and suddenly feel hopelessly alone? It's not as present as when you lay in bed looking at the sealing and missing that extra body in your bed. Maybe you don't even realize.
Have you ever seen something extremely funny on your way to work, or on your way home, which left you with a huge (inner) smile on your face, but two seconds later the smile is gone because there is no-one to smile with ya. I know I have.
We all know the lonely nights on the couch. We all know the nights alone in the bed. We all know those parties were everyone else seems to be there with someone, or seems to be surrounded by friends like bees to their honey. Those are the moments we usually realize that we are alone, and also feel that way.
I have thought about this many many times before. I have felt so alone, so many times in these past 24 years.. So many moments I couldn't share with anyone. Even when there were loads of people or friends around, I felt alone. Completely and utterly alone. Just me against all those wo just wouldn't understand anyway. Sound familiar?
Funny, thing is though, all this thinking made me realize something else as well. There is a difference between feeling alone and feeling lonely. I'll try to explain.. If you feel lonely, you feel sad. In that moment you Would want someone to be there with you, who would make that feeling unnecessary. That person or those people would be the reason that your loneliness Would be gone.
If you feel alone, you don't have to be sad. You can also feel enlightened, or different, or special, or weird, or lonely, or well, alone. Like now, I am not really sad, I don't necessarily need someone to be here, I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I somehow feel quite humble, as if I suddenly realize how tiny and unimportant we are as single human beings. With this I do not mean worthless, please do not go there. I just understand all of a sudden, that we are cattle in a herd for a reason. People are not meant to be alone. We prefer being with or around other human beings. Simpel as that. Now those of you who know me a bit better, will instantly say 'but you hate being part of the herd'! I know, You're right. I do not like being one of many, heck, I even like being alone most of the time. And there are also people who feel like me. (And maybe even moreso, because I do try to fit in when necessary.)
It's so much easier to be alone than having to convey yourself into something that fits in with the rest. But still, I do feel alone sometimes and it is during these moments that I realize how much I cherish my friends, how much I like being with them and how often I really suck at being a friend to them myself! I love being free, free to go where I want to go, do whatever I want to do, and do it right now if possible. And I strongly dislike having to set boundaries and to be completely honest, I am also sometimes almost allergic to appointments, even if they are with my best friends.
Good thing is, is know myself, and I think I figured out where this comes from in my case. I speak only for myself on this blog so I'm not saying this is the general reason for this kin of behaviour! I think, I have a problem with this because I missed out on some things during childhood. For example, I have never lived in the same place longer than five years. If you move to some place new, it takes between three and five years to make new close friends, to get thouroughly used to your surroundings, to know all the ins and outs at a job etc. Or in short: before you get attached. In my case, I guess I have never really gotten attached, which made it hard for me to know what it is like to belong somewhere. To belong to a group of people. To belong to someone. As a kid I was removed from places, people, friends etc. many times again and again before properly getting attached.
This does not have to be negative at all, for I've gained lots of life experience and I've met many Nice people along the way. And looking at my brother you can do with this whatever fits you best. He's dug himself a hole, planted his tree and poured concrete in, some call it marriage, and that way attached himself to everything he was looking for in life. I admire him. I think it is great how he's able to make himself part of this group of people that surround him. And they all love him.
But I'm different. In me it resulted in often feeling like an alien amongst most people. Feeling awkward because you just don't really fit in anywhere. The stupid thing is, I am the one causing myself not to fit in completely. The idea of belonging somewhere both appeals to me and scares me to death. Somehow it makes me feel like I lose my freedom if I do that. It's something I want more than anything else in life, and something I absolutely do not ever want for to happen. (Goddamnit, these shitty contradictions!!)
Anyway, tonight I feel alone. But it's à Good thing, because it makes me want to enjoy the next few days to the absolute max!! My heart swells when I think about seeing some of my most beloved human beings again. I can't wait to be up all night, talking about all this and so much more, and being dead tired and laying in the sun for all the next day. I can't wait to wrap my arms around one of the few people I love the most so tightly that I could almost squeese her to death. I can't wait to breathe in the cleanest most freshest air ever to touch my lungs. Smell the hay in the morning when the sun just comes up. See the mountains from te balcony as I enjoy those scarce moments just before sundown when the mountaintops turn flamingo.
All these things I hope to share with someone, someday. And I hope that person will feel the same juice of love, contentness and acceptation running through his veigns, as will run through mine. I want to stand on top of that mountain and feel exactly that what Isbells sing in their song 'Elation' looking at the other person smiling, knowing he feels exactly te same.
But for now I'm okay. I feel grateful for everything I have, grateful for being healthy, grateful for being able to do all this in te first place, grateful for having my own appartment, grateful for the way I look and even grateful for who I am. And real grateful that I get to hop on that plane tomorrow to visit beloved people, my beautiful home land, maybe even my family.
I know I don't always show this and certainly don't say it often enough but to my dear friends and family, I genuinely love you guys and I want to thank you for accepting me the way I am, even if that means you are expected to read my long long rambling on about all the above and more to come!
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