And if things couldn't get any worse, these flies, who are usually just annoying, happen to love my blood as much!! G'damnit!!! I knew that flies could sting, but lay your fecking little stingers on someone else, for crying out loud!!! That I love this country so much doesn't mean that I want to look like it, with all the colours and the humps!! Grrr..
Anyway, as you might have understood already, I did not have such à great night last night, because of my little flying, soon not to be alive, friends. And to make things worse, last night was so increadably hot, both inside the house as outside, that it was impossible to sleep anyway. And as an icing on the cake, a harsh thunderstorm came around 01.00am. The wind made the whole house shiver and creach, and it was both magnificent and a bit scary, because I have never experienced such à fierce thunderstorm. Felt like a hurricane had hit us.
Luckily, yesterday was a really nice day, in which I finally got to buying a pipe!!:D I was so exited, and still am, and can't wait to have a smoke with my dear friend Nelly:) Since I am still a woman, I bought some light mango tobacco with it, and some filters. I don't want to instantly get myself some lung cancer if I don't have to. I know it is stupid to start smoking a pipe anyway, but humans were made to do stupid things, and since I am quite à good girl all round, I figured it wouldn't be too bad to enjoy myself a little smoke every now and then. I can see myself smoking whenever I really miss Nelly and the calming, healing ambiance of Switserland.
Also, smoking my pipe brings back very good memories of someone who has meant a lot to Nelly, her family and me and it somehow makes me feel like he is still around. I feel that way anyway, but when we smoke it is a bit like honouring and remembering him, and just thinking about that makes my heart glow.. :)
I have the same feeling with cigars. My dad used to smoke cigars, and I used to love that smell. Now, whenever I smell the scent of cigars, I feel like that little girl who sat with her father, him smoking a little cigar..
I haven't seen my father for 17 years, until I came to visit him thanks to my cousin Thesi, three years ago. I've only seen him once since and speak to him only every now and then whenever we both can and feel like it, via Skype. Thing is, since my parents got divorced, I haven't really gotten the chance to know him.. And I've always wanted to.. I really wanted to know who the other half of me belonged to..
But somehow, now that I have the chance to get to know him better and maybe even see him this very week I don't really know how to handle this..
I love him to bits, but I really don't know him, and I find it hard to just step into his life and be there.. It must be weird for him too, since I left as a small kiddo, and all of a sudden I'm a full-grown adult. I don't often talk about this, but it does get on my mind every now and then and I honestly mean it when I say that I would love to know everything about him. But when it gets to te point where I should really give him a call, or like now would maybe even have the chance to meet him again, It's not that easy.. I don't know what's holding me back.. Maybe I just can't really, or don't want to really accept the fact that the days that we've lost will never come back. I have longed so much for a dad who Would sit with me and listen to my stories about school, who would be proud and protective of his only daughter and stuff, when I was younger, and I have to accept that those times are over. I will never have that. It can just as much be that even when he would have been around, he wouldn't even have done that.. So I know that it is stupid to unawarely hold on to this. I know like no other that I should go on and make the most out of the time that is still given.. Same goes for my grandparents and cousins..
I want them to know that even though I sometimes can't bring myself to visiting them, I still love them very much and time will come when I will definitely visit them as much as I can! I just hope that it won't be too late..
I've known a song, which others will most likely not feel the same about, but which has great meaning to me.. You should maybe listen to it and try and understand how I sometimes miss having that dad, missing the one I have, and also missing the one I could have had if that person would have seen it as a gift rather than a nuisance.. I can cry when I hear that song, for all the children in the world who do not get to see, or do not even have loving parents, who always have their best interests at heart. I can cry for al the people who have had loving parents but who lost them.. You know, that's the beauty of a song.. Of all arts.. That even when the text doesn't exactly say all this, this is what it says. Or can say.. Same goed for paintings, photographs, etc. The one who creates, often doesn't even know how much his creation says to people. That's the beauty of it. If there is a God, he must have known.. To have gifted some of his human beings with the talent to help, comfort, astonish, bring love, peace, calme and all the other feelings to one another:)
That is exactly why I love nature so much. And animals. My dog. Maybe that is why I love Switserland so much. It always seems as if the people here try to live as much in harmony with nature as they possibly can. No, they are not better of perfect, but they cherish their land, and I love that. The way they keep their graveyards looking beautiful and looked after, the way they are proud of their homes and decorate them with beautiful flowers.. The way they treat their cattle with respect, let them out and about, care for their animals.. That's why I love being here. Love being surrounded by them cowbells all day long when at Nelly's home.. I love being with his family, who was once almost mine.. I love having a good laugh with Nelly about something simple, when we're both tired and annoyed by the heat and the insects and maybe even a bit tipsy when we've enjoyed a glass ( or maybe two;) at dinner. I love everything here, and I don't feel like going home next saturday at all..
I still haven't decided whether I am going to visit my grandparents and my dad.. But I do know that I love them, and that I absolutely want to see them again.
Btw, the song you should listen is called: JCB- Nizlopi. Maybe you will understand what I mean with that.. Maybe not.
I will think about this moment every time I will have a smoke, and I will smile.. :D because we are blessed. Blessed with everything we have, everything that has been given to us. As long as we accept that we are who we are, and that things just do happen to us, good and bad. We've all got flaws in our personality, which we should and can work on, to make us stronger, to make us wiser. If we do that, if we listen to our body, and to the needs of our soul, we can be genuinely happy and content, and live everyday to the max. Without holdig back, without being scared to love or be loved. Without being scared that something bad will happen, or change. Bad things do happen, and some things will change.. No matter how many or little chances we take.
I for me, can honestly say, if I were to have a heart attack right now, or die of something else, I would be absolutely ok with it, because I think I have learnt and I have understood which things are important in life. Doesn't mean that I am perfect now, and that I will never question love of anyone again in my life. I will, and I will also make mistakes. But I will be aware of it, of myself and my being and I will always keep working on it. Because I want to live life to the fullest, because I feel that I owe it to all those who can't for whatever reason. I feel like I should feel thankful for everything I have, yes also for my lovehandles and my big nose;)
If you are open to seeing the small things in life, the beauty in your opposite, and can accept each others differences, I think you can be a happy and content human being. And maybe help some of the others who have difficulty seeing or adapting themselves. Help them live. Help them love. Help them be.
That is what I want. That is what I wish for. I don't want to be self-absorbed. I don't want to be negative and pessimist. I will always have an idealistic and realistic view on things. But that's me. And if you care about me enough to look beyond, you'll find my bigger than big heart, full of love, for you, and for all those who need it and accept it.
Thank you God. Thank you parents. Thank you soul, for letting me get this insight at this age. I'll try hard to make magic happen around me:)
R.I.P W., for all the love you have given, for the example you have been, for everything. I hope you look after us, wherever you are. Thank you for helping me come back to my homeland to heal my soul again and again. You've foreseen and you've known this maybe all along. We love you, and still miss you..
For all the loved ones we have lost, and miss so very much: we don't forget about you and one day we'll meet again:)
Look around you.. In every drop of rain, in every thunder storm.. In every ray of sunlight, in every flower, in every tree and in every living thing, there is life. Let's love it, let's take good care of it, let's cherish and enjoy it. For life was meant to be lived. Be it short, be it long, let's enjoy and hold on to it, let's let go when it's time. Let's love, because love is that one thing that makes everthing shine, when not mis-used.
With love,
S.Y.K.
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