Allthough I Would have loved to stay in Switserland a little longer, it is good to be home again. I love having Simba around and starting and ending my day with a walk:)

I miss Nelly already, but we've had a really nice week together and I've got renewed energy to do the things I have to do.

I've read a book when I was there: Numerology- Dan Millman. Very interesting. I've read it before when I visited Nelly, but everytime I read something new which catches my eye. The thing I find particularly interesting about this book is that it doesn't make you feel like someone is forcing something on you. It just shows another view on us as humans. You don't have to believe in what it says. It's just interesting. I for me found many interesting and familiar things in it. And whether I really believe it or not is not important, because it has inspired me to live my life the way I think is good for me. I will start painting again, I'll take more time to walk Simba and do sports. I'll finish the studies I am doing right now so I'll at least have a diploma. And after that I'll just see what will come my way. Thank god I am master of my life, and make choices of my own.

Every day is a choice. Will I get up? And if I get up, will I go to school/work? Will I do this with a sad or a happy face? Will I try and make the best of it or am I gona be miserable all day because I don't really want to be there? And if I realise that what I am doing makes me so miserable, then why don't I do something about it? I know very well that this is easier said than done, but in the end, this is what it comes down to. Sometimes you're in a less fortunate situation, which you can't instantly change. Then why not try and make the best of it? Instead of being miserable all the time.. Maybe later things will change for the better, you knever know. I do know that you won't be able to see that if you are busy hating it so much, though.

( I'm not talking about horrible situations that are being forced on you, don't get me wrong!)

I have let crappy things and very rotten feelings get to me far too long in my life. I'm not saying I shouldn't have.. Everything that's happened has made me stronger and more determined to live life and wear a smile. It still hurts and sucks sometimes, and I don't think that will ever go away entirely. I've just found a way to deal with it. I've made a choice: accept the situation and make the best of it, work hard and enjoy all the good things. Or let it get to me and bother me every day. Haunt me in my sleep and wear me out completely. I chose to deal with my problems, accept that some things in life will never change, no matter how much you would want them to or how hard you try. The hardest part was to accept the harsh fact that I am the only person who will have to make myself happy. Because no one else will do so. I am the only one responsable for my life and how I live it. Same goes for the lives of others. I have had such à hard time letting go and accepting that I couldn't change or help particular people in my life. There is nothing more painful than seeing someone make him or herself miserable, or being captured in a situation that makes them unhappy, even though they don't see this, or don't want to see it. It is so cruel to have to watch and not be able to do something. Because you love them so much. But you just cannot change people, or help them change or deal with à situation differently if they don't want to:( The hardest part is letting them go.. Accepting that it will not change. Accepting that they choose to live their life this way, even though you (and maybe they too) know that it could be so much better..

I learnt the hard way, but thank God for those great and loving people who have helped me get through this myself by just being there for me. By listening to me whenever I needed to get it off my chest. For all those times I just sat there and cried. For all those moments where we just listened to music together thinking about life. And thank God for my dearest dog, who has forced me gently to genuinely look into the mirror and reflect. To get up every day. Who has helped me see and enjoy those little things in life which make life worth living.

I know these thoughts and the pain will keep visiting me every now and then. But I don't care. I know that there are à few people who will be there for me. And I know I can get through and see the sun shine again.

I really look forward to starting painting again. I look forward to doing things that make me feel peaceful and at ease. My little holiday was like a cleansing for my soul. To get away from everything which was blocking my energy and spirit and just breathe.. Mmm. I recommand it to everyone who has the chance. My grandfather always used to say: where there is à will, there is à way.. And I think he is right. I'm not saying that that way is always easy. I actually think it mostly is not easy at all. On the contrary. But why should that be a bad thing? Why not beat some challenges along the way? Some say: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. If you are willing to take a real look in that mirror, and dare to accept the challenge, I think you're already half way there. Everybody has minor faults in their personalities. But every weakness can be turned into a strength if you try and look at it differently:) as long as you keep working on it, you'll be fine:)

While I'm writing this I'm listening to this song: little secrets by Chamberlin. I love that song:) listen to it and feel the vibe.. Maybe we can listen to it together someday and think about life and smile at each other, me smoking my pipe and you having a sip of that grand raspberry liqour I brought home with me from Suisse:)

Sleep tight mateys, see yous next time!

S.Y.K.