Women only:)

I'm a fool. I made that one mistake you're not supposed to make. The one thing everybody knows is stupid and most of us despise. I kinda fell for someone. And it sucks. Because it wasn't supposed to happen at all, let alone with the actual person I speak of. Everybody knows you're not supposed to fall for a guy you're just hanging out with randomly. It's a classic story which I definitely never intended to star in myself.

Why do so many women always fall for the wrong kind of guy? Many of us tend to be interested in type Jerk instead of type Sweet and Sincere.

I'm highly annoyed by myself, since I myself don't even want a relationship right now and I don't even believe in dating him for real. My head knows all this, but how do I explain this to my inner self? I know that there are many men out there who are far more capable of having an actual relationship and who probably care a lot more about everything about me.

It just eats me that meeting him in that special way, having a good time everything we see each other means nothing at all. I am just another random girl to him. Nothing special. Good enough for some fun and that's it. And that sucks. I'm better than that. Worth more than that. I've given it my best to show him that, but he doesn't care. It's so much easier for him to be this way. No commitment whatsoever. And who would blame him. That's the way he is. I respect that. But my emotions don't agree. It's my own stupid fault. I get too attached to people I care about. Wouldn't be the first time.

The thing that sucks most about this is that I start questioning myself instead of just accepting that the situation is as it is. I feel silly and naive. But I'm not. This time it isn't some kind of ego problem. This time I actually like him. But I also know that it is useless. I can do better than hoping for something that'll never happen. I can't blame him either. He has never promised anything. But that sucks even more actually. It means that you're not even worth lying to.

I meet really nice people all the time. I met one the other day. Really awesome dude as well. But those are the guys I keep at distance. Don't ask me why. I just do.

I guess it'll fade anyway. It always does. And that's a good thing. Because I don't want a relationship right now. Heck, I wouldn't know how to get it to work since I am leaving for six months in two months time. Besides, I love being alone as well. It's so easy and nice to do your own thing every day. I just hate that my emotions are betraying me. I didn't want to let anyone get to me. Specially not this dude.

Oh we'll, can't be perfect. Wouldn't be healthy, nor fun;)

For all the assertive, genuine and great woman out there who know exactly what I mean, let's keep our hopes up. It'll be alright. As long as we do not give up our goals and our own values. I certainly won't. It will cost me some inner strength, but I'll manage.

It's a fools world. And you know what? Big deal! There's plenty more important stuff to worry about. Good thing wrinkles used to stand for wisdom. I dig that. I'll have plenty of them when I'm old, since I'm awfully good at worrying;) haha.

Fine music, cup of apple tea and two of my bestest mates on the couch beside me. What more should I want? It's good the way it is. Amen.


S.Y.K.

Two face

I feel weird. Divided in two. My life is going to change massively in the next couple of months, and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm going to do my graduation internship abroad. This means that I have to give up the life I basically built up in the past two years here in Eindhoven.

This doesn't have to be a bad thing. Don't get me wrong, I don't see it as a bad thing. I'm just having difficulties with how I feel about it. It has taken me so long to actually feel at home somewhere.. That I'm a bit reluctant to give it all up again. I have never lived anywhere longer than five years max.. I've never felt at home anywhere really. Not like completely. And I still don't.. But here in my tiny apartment in this city, my music on, it hits me kinda hard that it will take me a long time to get to this point again after leaving here.. And I know that feeling far to well.. It sucks.

Thing is, I have always wanted to travel and see the world. As soon as I love somewhere for a few years, heck months even I feel locked up and just need to get away from it for a while. That's just how I am. How I have become thanks to my parents who dragged me around as a kid. And I kinda got used to that.. And I really do want to travel and see the world. I have always wanted to live abroad on my own. Be different from the regular people around me living their regular lives. Don't ask me why but I hate following the herd. But now it just feels like I have to. And I strongly dislike having to do anything as well. Talk about complicated.

Anyways, I'll not go on and on about this:) I just really needed to get it off my chest. Everything will turn out to be fine, and I'll probably meet really exciting new people. Not to mention learn so much new stuff. Awesome!

Feel better already!


S.Y.K.

A breath of fresh seawind

If there were a Nobel Prize for Thinking, I'd be a winner!!

Tossing and turning, sleepless nights, headache at the end of the day, bags under the eyes... recognise it?

I always say I'm not particularly good at anything. I'm a little bit good at many things. But I've finally found something. During the day, wherever I am, I ponder on about almost everything. It can be about something simple (nonetheless very important!!) like how I should have my hair cut, to something important like when's the best time to move out of my house. Thoughts go on and on in my head.. 

Whenever I talk to someone about this, we always end up saying the same: Let it go, do whatever you can do in the situation, then let it go. And this is basically true. But it is easier said then done. Sometimes these things just creep into your mind and keep you busy unawarely. These thoughts and worries are like worms. They somehow find their way into the crypts of your inner self and build a warm nest. Everytime you are confronted with something that triggers them, they start dancing like mad, keeping you up all night. In some occasions they grow on ya. You get so used to them being around that you start warming up to them. It's similar to that one ugly chair your grandma gave ya, which you absolutely dislike, but keep in your house because you can't give it away and all of a sudden you find that you're attached to it nonetheless.

What if the worms are really settled in? How do you get rid of them? What if you're really attached to them, like to the grandma's chair?

Let me first explain something, because I can hear some of you say, what do you mean by getting attached. Sometimes worrying about things goes unawarely. Yo hardly know that the thoughts you have are really worries. You hardly notice they wear you down. Most of the time, these are fairly negative thoughts. The worms go round and round in your head until they take you down in a downward spiral. Once you notice, you try to get back up again, but the more often you let them take you down, the harder it becomes to get back up again. It becomes like a pattern, a habit. And habits grow on ya. You get attached to them, and they're usually hard to change. It's easier to stick to a habit, pattern or thought that you know and are comfortable with, no matter how crappy it is, then to pick yourself up and open up to see things differently. That takes courage.

I know many people who are stuck in their habits, patterns and (negative) thoughts. If they are at all aware of their "worms", they find it extremely hard to break loose from them and make some neccessary changes. I myself have got enough worms to feed a pond full of fish for the next couple of years, and I know exactly how hard it is to get rid of the more or less negative thoughts and patterns. Don't get me wrong, I try really hard, and succeed many times. As I do really think it is sort of a choice you make, every day again and again. But I don't get it right all the time, and sometimes it'r better to accept your feelings and thoughts for a day, and try again the next. You need to be kind and loving to yourself, every now and then, especially if you have no one else to do that for you. Just try not to indulge and drown in them. Same goes for selfpity. Every now and then it's okay to feel sorry for yourself and deeply hate whatever deep and crappy shit you're going through. But it is important to get out of that circle again. Kick your own but every now and then and try to get back to every day life.

Sometimes, when I go somewhere, or meet someone interesting, it clears my soul and mind for a while, which really helps to let go for a while, and even see things differently. I can be a real pessimist. Sarcasm is my middle name and I find it hard to be around people who do not want to understand or see that life isn't all roses and butterflies. Again, don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with those people, I admire them in a certain way and I think they are neccessary in society. But I myself can't always deal with them. That is maybe why I love nature so much. Nature calmes the soul if you let it. If you truly open up to the beauty of all the grand things nature has provided us with, it soothes your body, mind and soul. People can affect you with their energy, nature influences you positively if you let it do so.

Few days ago I was in Zeeland, the Netherlands, with one of my bestest friends. She comes from that area and wanted to show me where she comes from. I love being near the beach, so I agreed to come with her immediately. Honestly, it was raining all the way during our almost three hour ride on the train, but as soon as we set foot on her grounds, the sky cleared up and the sun came through. On Sunday we've had such a beautiful day. We had the best weather ever, clear blue skies, tiny clouds every now and then, sun was shining like mad and the wind wasn't to bad. We went to a nearby village, parked the car, took Simba and walked for at least three hours through the forest, dunes and on the beach. We made pictures of each other, the dog, the surroundings and they've really come out great. The light was exeptionally good and what they say about true beauty coming from the inside, well, amen to that! I haven't had such a great day since a long time (except from Dublin) and honestly, my soul feels clensed. I haven't thought any thoughts at all. Not one single thing went through my mind except admiration and appreciation for the beauty of the sea, the beaches, the trees, the dunes, my dearest, dearest dog and of course my dear friend.

What I mean to say is, if you feel like your thoughts and worries are almost like choking you, try getting away for a while. Even if it is only a walk in the park, or taking a massage or whatever, it really helps to break the pattern every now and then and get some much needed breath of fresh air.

During our weekend away, I got the chance to enjoy complete silence again, to breathe in the fresh sea air, feel the sand between my toes, feel the sensation of the cold cold water sort of numbening my feet, running against the wind playing with my dog, taking my breath away. All these little things have made me so happy and relaxed, you cannot imagine. I have slept like a baby since a long long time, and I can honestly say that I have had no worries whatsoever during that day.

So, I'd say, lets appreciate who we are, with all we have. Whoever God was, whether you believe in him or not, we are exactly the way we were meant to be. If there's anything we don't like about ourself and we can change it ourself, then lets try hard to do so. If we can't, lets let it go, because it won't change by worrying about it all the time, making ourself completely miserable. Lets look in the mirror and smile at ourselves, because there is always someone who is in a worse situation then we are. Lets pick ourselves up and kick our own buts every now and then, and try our best to live life to the fullest. And lets accept the days when everything just sucks bigtime and be kind to ourselves. I know it is hard. I know that it is easier said then done. But if you never try, you never know, just what you're worth.. as Coldplay sings it so spot on in their song Fix You.

I'll share some pictures of the weekend with you, so you can see for yourself how much it can do for you if you succeed. Seeing those pictures, you would probably never expect that I have been depressed for a while, and that I still have my issues. I don't think that in my case the "worms" will ever go away. But I can certainly manage and learn to control them. If that means I have to get away from everything every now and then, I will. If it means that I need some time alone, every now and then, I'll be alone. If it means that I have to accept lesser days, I will. But take it from me, If you try hard, and surround yourself with people who accept you and appreciate you the way you are, you'll make it. I have been working hard on getting back up on my feet, and I have never felt better. Doesn't mean I never have lesser days. I do. But the good days rule, and that's what counts.

Thank you dog, for putting up with my struggles, and for giving me a good reason to make the best of what I am every day. I love you.

Keep your head up, we'll show them how it's done!

Lots of love to you all,

S.Y.K.

Speech is silver, silence is golden

When I started this blog, I thought I'd be talking about all kinds of interesting things, but it turns out, I'm not that interesting after all! Haha:D

Don't worry, once my internship starts, I'll have plenty to share with you guys, and that in the end is the most important reason why I wanted to write a blog anyways.

I've been thinking.. Is it just me or have we lost all sense of beauty in this world?! Not just beauty, but common sense is far away too.. It's all about commerciality.. It's either that, or the complete opposite where people become obsessed with being against this way of society and the system..

We spend so much time in front of the mirror, tossing and turning so to speak on how we look, worrying, which only increases the amount of wrinkles we so desperately try not to have.. But we haven't got time to let our loved ones know that we love and think about them. We are spinning like mad to get all the work done, because good heavens what if we miss this deal.. It will cost a fortune. And god forbid that there's some slacking, no no no, you have to always be on top of the game or you're gone. Plenty of fish in that puddle of mud we're turning the sea into.. And for what? Are we trying to gain the world record of most burned out people per country, or what?

Some band earns millions over a song called "where is the love", but did you actually completely and fully understand what that song was about? And how hypocrite it sounds sung by people who have too much money too spend? Honestly, I know it sounds like I'm judging, but I don't want to do that. Because that would be missing the point here.. It's just that, I would like to know what the hell is wrong with the human being..

My friends think I'm too serious about things. And maybe sometimes they're right. But, I honestly think sometimes, why does everything go on and on and on and on like this. Why are humans so selfish? So cruel? So ignorant? So weak? So disturbed? So cold?

How is it possible that we spend millions during Christmas when the big disappearing act begins once again called "serious request"? Money of which we have no idea where it actually went.. Probably didn't at all go where it was meant to.. And still feel like we have done something good..

In my head I can almost see the world as it looks like on cartoons, where the world is dark and gross, where people wear some kind of funky spacesuits and the only place where there is actual fresh air is the forest inside a big plastic bubble owned by few of the richest people still alive.. But you just laugh and tell me to be normal and stop being so negative.. That such a thing will never happen.. But how can you be so sure? In the past the people didn't think we would ever drive a car.. The way we're destroying everything that is still left what's genuinely natural I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up one day, bumping my head against the plastic cover over my head ensuring my oxygen supply..

Don't worry I didn' go mental on ye now, I'm just saying.. Where has the peace and quiet gone? Where did the birds go? Do you know what the eeriest thing about a warzone must be? The absolute quiet. No birds. You might never stop and listen, but if you do, you might notice the sound of birds during the day. What if that were gone?

The other day I was watching a kind of documentary about the Netherlands in earlier days.. How confronting the difference.. What I loved the most where the old faces.. The elderly people had such beautiful faces.. So full of character.. Full of wrinkles and lines.. Telling the story of their lives.. The wisdom of the years in the ponds of their eyes. Magnificent.

One of my best friends told me that she wanted to get a tattoo. We had been talking about that for a while and we both had a strong connection with the meaning behind our ideas. She wanted to get one of the triangled shape of M.C. Escher with the following words: "Ignorance is bliss" the funny thing is, that sentence has so much meaning to her, and I understand exactly why.. I don't even think that we both fully realize what that sentence really beholds.. I love it. I really hope she will get that tattoo one day, to give her exactly that little reminder she needs every now and then:) you're beautiful, not only outside, because true beauty lies within and you should follow your heart and not focus or listen to the people around you so much.. (Except me every now and then;):p you're stronger than you know, and you will make the world a better place in your own way, my friend. Take your time and believe in yourself. You're my friend and I believe in you. I will always be there, even when I'm not physically there for ye.. Get that tattoo, and let it remind you of the strength and all the Good things you carry inside every day. Buddy!

I could use a tattoo myself. We've spoken about that too. A little reminder for me to never forget to be kind instead of cruel, to smile instead of frown, to love instead of hate, to understand instead of judge, to give instead of take, to build instead of break down and to listen instead of talk all the time..

How nice would it be if I could set the example. For real. Like Jesus, regardless of whether he existed or not. If we'd all try a bit harder, we could actually make a difference. But we won't, nor will I. Unfortunately we're still human and therefore won't ever not hurt each other. I'll try to be the best I can be, I honestly will. But I can't fight the system either and since I'm not anything better then everyone else, It'll be trial and error.

How blessed would it be if we could just turn the world around us off for a while. Just switch the button off and take your time getting back in touch with who you really are.. And who you could be if you'd let go of the fear.. Back to a place where making mistakes doesn't mean that you are a faillure. Where the wrinkles in your skin represent experience and wisdom. Where knowing eyes are seen as a token of inner beauty. I'd sure as hell love to be able to switch the world off for a few minutes every now and then. Hear nothing but the birds singing for the day. Smell nothing but the fresh leaves just fallen from the trees. See nothing but the love in your lovers' eyes.

Unfortunately I have to burst my own bubble. Life rages on, and I don't think things will ever really change for the better. Sure, there must be progress, but we humans keep wanting more and more. Sky's the limit, I've heard them say.. Well, I'll tell you a secret.. They've even managed to go beyond. It wasn't enough to conquer the world. No, we want more. Always more. We want to put people on the moon and beyond, but we can't even provide the people on earth with proper homes, jobs, safety and food. I get tired of the ongoing controversy sometimes. Especially the controversy inside myself. Because I am no better. I also own an IPhone, although I hate that people have died during it's making. I wear the exact same clothes as all the rest is, although I know children get sick and abused during production. I hate it, but what can I do? I can't change the world on my own. And I sure as hell am too selfish myself to change into some kind of nature loving, animal hugging, veganist hippie.. Yes, I love animals and yes I love nature, but I am no better than anyone else. I hope I can contribute to good things every now and then. In the mean time I'll try to be as good a human I can be..

~Ignorance is bliss~

Amen to that

If you want to hear some awesome music listen to Tallest man on earth, I've been to his concert and speaking of life.. Honestly, turn of the world and listen for a while.. Might do you good:)

Love,

S.Y.K.